Facebook..Do's and Don'ts

Ok.  It's time to write this much needed blog.  Bear with me, this is going to be painful.

It started a few weeks ago when I got a friend request from the under 13 year old daughter of a friend of mine.  I called a mutual friend of ours seeking solace and advice.

Me:  Did you get a friend request from ________?
Friend:  OMG yes!  She's 10! WTF do we do now?
Me:  I ignored it..there's just no way..I don't agree with it...she doesn't need to read my posts especially the inappropriate ones!  Maybe I should accept it so as not to be an asshole and just block her from seeing my wall?
Friend:  That's what I'm going to do.  Limited access - a happy medium, I guess.

OK....so...more and more people I know are letting their under aged kids set up a facebook account - and don't you have to be 13 to even have one? So what are they doing lying about the kids' age?

A dear friend of mine who is going through the same thing had this suggestion.

"Write on the wall of the parent/friend and say...'hey, how did Christmas go? Did _______(new FB user who can now see the post between you and her mom) figure out that YOU are Santa this year orrrr?
It would serve her right to get called out on this - and what is she going to argue? That she wants to keep her child young and innocent and believing in Santa, while lying about her age, and rushing her in to a Facebook account?"
I feel she's right - if your kids still believe in Santa, get them the hell off of Facebook.

And never mind the fact that now you and user's parent are going to be on a PG facebook level..no remarks about drinking, cursing, or anything - it's back to the G rating you go. 

So I decided to compile a list of Facebook Do's and Don't Do anymore - and I phrase it this way, because in the beginning of Facebook, some things were fun and acceptable, now years later..many are stale, and need to stop.

Here we go.  I will not exclude myself from being guilty of some of these, nor am I pointing fingers...this is merely a public service announcement to stop the madness of posting shit people do not give a fugazi about.

1.   Check-Ins:
 For the love of God, and all that is Holy, stop checking in places.  No one gives a shit that you are out to dinner for the  5th f-n time this week.
* Jenny is at Friday's  with Mike Smith.  How great if FB had an added touch of sarcasm or better yet, a lie detector that finds the truth behind the post!
*Jenny is at Friday's with Mike Smith, (LIE! She is posting from the couch with yesterday's mascara down her face while scooping Ben & Jerry's with a Salad Spoon and watching the Kardashians).

Where are you, really?

2.  Special Days:
For the first year you were on Facebook, people sincerely did care that it was your moms/husbands/childrens' birthdays, anniversaries, etc...  Now, it's just old.  Here's the common phrase(s)...

*"Can't believe my shmoopaloopa is 3 years old! Happy Birthday to you! (even though you don't have a Facebook account and can't freaking read and will never see or hear any of the bday wishes people are going to leave in obligatory response to this status update).  Side note:  I may have been guilty of this a time or two - but thought better of it after year two on Facebook.  Nobody, besides my mom, gives a shit.
Same applies to Anniversaries - again, Guilty, but I promise not to do it again.

*Happy Anniversary shout out to my husband of __ years.  You are my rock and my prince charming and everything perfect. Gag! What most women really want to say is...
*"Happy Anniversary - you better have remembered my gift - and for fks sake let's hope this year you stop asking me every 5 minutes where your shit is."

3. Days of the Week: 
Complaints about Mondays, Happiness about Fridays. This was fun for a while but Jesus, Mary and Joseph that's enough!  Every effing week we have Monday, and at the end of every effing week there is Friday.  You should be fined $50 every time you say
* Dear Monday, I'm leaving you, it's not working out for us.. Love, Me 
 and $100 every time you write
*TGIF 

For many, many, many years, Friday has been part of the week.  No big surprise there!

4. Food, Vacations, and Combinations of Both:  
If you are out somewhere shwanky and post a photo of your  $60 lobster staring at the camera, then you are an asshole.  I am left to assume that you are implying to your dining partner that he/she is NOT important or interesting enough to pay attention to therefore you will be posting about your food and how effing spectacular your dinner rolls are on Facebook for all to read.
*Just ordered the most spectacular Twin Lobster Tails...with Mike Smith at the Lobster Pound on Nantucket. Who effing cares?  So you have a spectacular social life.  Good for you.  Enjoy Nantucket the way you are supposed to - WITHOUT Facebook.

Here's a FB tip for when you are on vacation - enjoy it! 

5.  FML:
*Boyfriend just broke up with me and my dad's being a total douchebag by not letting me get a tatoo. FML.

 This phrase should be illegal, outlawed in the US...fined $1000 and booted off facebook.  Until you have gone to a poor African village and followed around a starving child with no clothes or parents, you are not allowed to use this phrase.  This is America dammit - go get a f-n job..educate yourself...go get help...do something.  If you can't make it here in this country, you are just an idiot.

6.  Overachiever Status Updates:
* Just got done running 10 miles and breathing spectacularly fresh winter air.  Now off to the shower and then bake muffins before the kids get up! posted at 5 am today

First of all - Eff You...I am just falling asleep at 5am because I was up with the kids half the night.
Second of all - You are a jerkface.  When you end up with bronchitis from breathing in arctic air, don't you dare make your next update, "Sick as a dog...I don't know how that happened! I take such good care of myself!"

Why do people post things like this? To make themselves feel important? Or to give the impression of being important, thus covering up the fact that they are completely insecure about themselves and their lives?  I just don't know.  Just get real - that's all I ask...how about..."I sure hope I don't get sick from the stupid idea of running 10 miles in the cold.."  I like self-admonishment...when you do it for yourself, others don't need to do it for you.

When it's so freaking cold that your sweat freezes on your eyebrow, you aren't to be admired for your running, you are to be laughed at...or better yet, beaten.

7. Fecal Matters: 
Things that you think are cute, most people do not. Usually related to pooping and farting.
*OMG, baby so and so just pooped all the way up his back and into his ears - what a mess!"
*My son totally just stunk up the house with his farts.
Hate to be redundant in my message, but simply put - it's just TOO MUCH INFORMATION.  I can barely tolerate what's going on in my house with three boys let alone hear about your household flatulence and poop information.  Keep it to yourself.

Please refrain from toilet stories.

8.  Getting Pampered: 
Women without kids or any other responsibility - also applies to women with nannies for their kids...I do not want to read about your spa days while sipping lattes by the fire. No No No.  I do not. 

*Sipping a latte after an hour and a half mango chutney body scrub massage...now enjoying the fireplace after my hot stone pedicure...ahhh, peace and quiet!   We get it - you have money and time and nothing else to do but pamper yourself and ready for your spur of the moment weekend jaunt to Nantucket for lobster with Mike.  Super Duper. I'm jealous, ok? I get it.  The economy is shit - I haven't had a massage in years so screw you and your mango chutney.

9.  The Breakup:
*Mike Smith went from Being Engaged  to It's Complicated.  

This might be one of the most annoying things about Facebook.  Why, why ,why are you announcing your dirty laundry for the world to see?  We don't want to speculate on what happened...either come out with it and post it as your status update, or leave it be.  This is the worst feature and I wish I could drop kick the people who use it.  They deserve it.

10.  Finally, the Itinerary, or Daily F-n Syllabus of your Life.
*Dropping off the kids at school, headed to the gym, showering, getting groceries and back to pick them up! Whew, I'm tired just typing!
The people who really care about where you are have your number and can f-ng call you if they need you , otherwise, you have just clogged up my newsfeed with useless information and now I am tempted to unfriend you for being so self -centered and unoriginal!


I could go on...there's the CUT AND PASTE THIS FOR ONE HOUR IF YOU KNOW HOW TO CUT OR PASTE OR KNOW SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO CUT OR PASTE, OR OWN PASTE OR HAVE EVER BEEN CUT....  it's so stupid.  Enough already.  The countless stream of invitations to play games or to label relatives as 'cousin' or 'aunt' or whatever.  There's the passive -aggressive one liners like..."People who don't spray the treadmill thoroughly after using it annoy me, just sayin.'"   Stop "jus sayin"  You aren't even f-n spelling it right...and it's old as shit. And what are you the treadmill police - go wipe it down yourself and get a life. Stop it.

I love Facebook...let's just get that out there.  But over the years, it has become more of an eyeroll than a laugh.  It's a great informational tool, you can pose a question or ask for a referral, need an opinion - whatever..and get it - I love that.  But there are just so many things that aren't funny or necessary anymore.  Why do stupid people always have to ruin for those who are trying to just have a laugh?  The world is a crazy, messed up place and can get awfully lonely for a lot of people - let's just keep it fun and light and keep in touch with people because we want to not because we are obligated to!

 And what about the youth of this country? Between the ridiculous gang-like hand signs and cocked heads and hand-on-hip poses - I can't even bear to look at these photos without going crazy.    The principal at  Eldest's school has said he spends 4 hours a day dealing with Facebook-related problems.  That is 4 hours that he could be making our school a better place, ensuring that our children get the kind of education needed to compete on a global level before there is no hope left for the future of our country.  It's getting out of hand.  So to the parents of the kids under 13 that keep friending me - I beg you, don't be in a hurry for your kids to grow up...let them go buy some Webkinz and play that online or something - they just don't need to be on Facebook!

Until next time, I'm off to find more random funny pics and sayings to post on Facebook!  ;)

Laughably yours..
~DG

May I ask a personal favor.... only some of you will do it, and others will not, if you know someone or are someone who keeps using the phrase 'jus sayin..' please add this to your status for 1 hour as a commitment to stop it immediately. For the love of God. Please stop. Please copy and repost, and let this be the last time I have to ask you to copy and repost something.