Happy Dieting! An Oxymoron.

 One year ago today I embarked on a weight loss journey, finally accepting the fact that the statute of limitations had expired for blaming my extra weight on the kids. 

 I sat down and tried to figure out what brilliant lose -weight- fast trick I was going to try this time.  Then it hit me...basic math.  Expending more calories than I take in will lead to weight loss.  After all, if I was going to be disciplined enough to try dieting with some God- awful weight loss shakes, why couldn't I just be disciplined enough to stop eating the crap and start moving my ass for once?  So I tried this experiment:  I promised myself no matter what I ate, I would log it on My Fitness Pal online.  Knowing how lazy I am, I knew damn well that I would not eat 1/2 the stuff I normally did, because I wouldn't want to have to log it later.

  Wow - that laziness paid off! Just being accountable for my binging led me to smarter choices.  Next, I vowed to get on the treadmill - you know, the machine that just took up space and I used to hang clothes on for the past 5 years. 

 I can't lie, I had one huge motivating factor:  My 20 year high school reunion.  I last left that high school as a solid size 16 with a unibrow and a moustache, not to mention my 34DD's and wiry satellite hair from the early 90s.  This was my big chance to just go back and prove that I'm no longer THAT girl...that Fat Ugly Greek Girl that was every one's friend and no one's prom date.  Sad But True.  This was the only approach that kept me on track for 6 long months...treadmill..and an eating log.  Brilliant.  The day of my reunion I was a sleek size 4 (completely dehydrated and starving), straightened hair, and two beautifully waxed eyebrows. (I won't mention that the second my husband and I left the reunion I ate an entire large pepperoni pizza...and it was fan-f---ingtastic!)
Pic of me and hubs in front of the pizzaria - the look: sheer joy that I could finally take my Spanx off and breathe again.
Let's recap:  Calories in must be less than calories spent - check.   Write down and be accountable for what you eat - check.  Commit to major social function or instill fear of massive public humiliation of some sort (such as posting on facebook that you plan to lose 20 lbs and post a bikini photo as your profile pic in 30 days) - check.  If none of these things appeal to you, I will list the top 5 diet programs below - and you can decide for yourself which approach sounds best for you! (please for goodness sake, let me insert the disclaimer that this blog is for entertainment purposes and my opinions regarding the following products are lightly researched at best..)  Regardless, if you've decided to do it, do it for you - to prove that you are your own best friend - after all, nothing tastes as good as thin feels!  (ok that's total bullshit..dipping large chunks of hershey bars into a jar of peanut butter feels way freaking better than skinny if only for a few beautiful moments!)

Breakdown of the top 5 programs out there:

5.  Medifast - OK here's the skinny (bad choice of word) - you'll be consuming five shakes a day and one meal made of a lean protein and veggies totalling between 800 and 1000 calories a day.  The shakes alone will cost you $300/month.  Side effects listed on their website include irritability, fatigue, headaches, hair loss, dizziness and possibly heart arrhythmia due to malnutrition.  Their ad says, 'recommended by over 20,000 doctors since 1980' but they don't say what type of doctors so I was kind of thinking - maybe these are the heart and kidney doctors recommending this so they can have a steady stream of billable patients with organ failure coming in.  Just my opinion anyways!
    Summary:  I'm broke, dizzy and balding....causing me to completely forget about my fat ass.  Sign me up!

4.  Dukan Diet:  This is a low carb, high protein, much like Atkins and South Beach.  You will lose weight quickly while gnawing on large blocks of cheese and salami sticks.  You will not be hungry, nor will you be counting calories or weighing your Block-o-Cheese, however you will be bent over from cramping caused from constipation and general irregularity.  Followers of this diet also reported tiredness with mild headaches and irritability.
    Summary:  I will be exhausted and pissed off, my head will hurt and I will be waiting for my colon to blow at the most inopportune time it can find, most likely while grocery shopping with my three boys,  but I will be happy as a f----ing mouse in a cheese shop.  Awesome.

3.  Jenny Craig :  Spokesperson - Mariah Carey, new mother of twins, lost 30 lbs...she's rich as f-n rockefeller and has money to burn on trainers and personal chefs, and most likely had liposection as soon as they removed the babies from her belly...I'm not buying it! ...Pricey pre-packaged, pre-measured foods.  Only side effect listed is loneliness because Jenny Craig users are so used to their premade foods, they are afraid to go out to eat with their friends and family and therefore isolate themselves from the outside world.  Weird. 

     Summary -  All of the weight loss destroys my brain cells leaving me not smart enough for portion control or wise choices so I cannot go out to dinner with friends. I'm now an idiot. So what, I am a skinny bitch....dinner for one, please.

2.  Nutrisystem - Janet Jackson is the new spokesperson.  Apparently having Dolvett Quince was not enough for her to be successful in losing weight (if he were my trainer, I'd weigh 100 pounds just from salivating..), no, she wants the prepackaged stuff too - no meetings either, just completely online.  Cons are poor customer service if you have a question (what question would you have about your dinky meal? peel back film, microwave, eat...not freaking brain surgery) and that the food tastes terrible and costs a fortune.  Research shows that the preservatives and additives they use to prevent spoilage like nitrates, sulfur dioxide, and other chemicals, leave you with bad breath and full of poisons you wouldn't normally be ingesting with your normal, pre-diet meal of nachos covered in cheese and sour cream. Another listed side effect of Nutrisystem is excessive flatulence and diarrhea.
Summary:  So I will fit back into my favorite bikini, but will be all alone on the beach farting and doing shots of Listerine while wondering when someone will pick up the customer service line and answer my question on what to do with my leaky butt. Done and Done!
Dolvett Quince, Trainer; Providing successful weight loss by salivation.
1.  Weight Watchers - more of a long-term approach where you just learn better habits and choices through a program online as well as local meetings.  Nothing humiliates you more than going to a meeting with people that you work with or live near, holding you totally responsible for your success and/or failure of the program.  There are points involved, so if you are Math Deficient like I am, you'll need a calculator at all times.  Sometimes I purposely f-up the math so can enjoy a meal or two and write it off as a mistake.  Meetings and online program will cost you a reasonable amount but paying will keep you honest and motivated.  There will always be someone fatter than you or worse off than you at the meeting so go, and you'll leave there feeling like you're not doing too bad after all.  Spokesperson is Jennifer Hudson - and she looks spectacular..Valerie Bertinelli too.
    Summary:  This is more like it.  I will totally enjoy going to the meetings and sitting next to someone bigger than me and being so afraid someone I know will see me, I will actually stick to it.  A bonus is that if you really do stay under your points, you don't have to exercise to see the pounds come off.

Until next time, Happy Dieting!  (that's an oxymoron if I ever heard one!)  And if you do decide to make the gym your new destination, please don't be a tool and circle the parking lot for the spot closest to the entrance..walk a few extra steps, it'll get your blood pressure down and avoid gym-parking-lot road rage.  ;)


  1. oh how I enoying reading your blog, you put into words what I am thinking!!!!

  2. Diets first 3 letters are Die! You go girl! Go to school to be a trainer! That is what I did last year and I learned so much! You are awsome! Melina


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