Sunday

Top 5 People Who Didn't Get Any Smarter in 2011..

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Thought I'd take a few minutes to recap 2011 before diving head first into 2012 today...enjoy.

First let's check on the Top 5 people who had a great 2011.....

My you've come a long way, George.
5.  George Clooney:   Once again Georgie has managed to have a steady stream of girls and good times in 2011.  He jumped right out of his bed with Elisabetta Canalis and into the freakishly long arms and legs of Stacy Kiebler all the while keeping his stylish good looks and not showing a hint of aging.  Currently, he is ringing in the New Year in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico where, as Stacy says,"there will definitely be some dancing and drinking going on!"  I should hope so.

4.  Kristin Wiig:    I am so happy to report she had an amazing year.  Between Bridesmaids and just being hysterically funny on SNL, this is one person I am totally cheering for.  I have to say though, I'm a little disappointed she chose to date Fabrizio Moreti, Strokes drummer - really? Picking up sloppy seconds from Drew Barrymore just gives me the willies.  But goodluck anyway, funny girl!

Loved every freaking scene of this movie!

3.  Adam Levine:   Well, you had a spectacular year full of hit music, a great tv show The Voice, and now you are dating russian Victoria's Secret model Anne Vyalitsyna. Sorry Adam, I will not be buying any more of your music because I am bitter and childish and do not want to supplement your income to further spoil your model mate.  When you run out of conversations to have with her, say in a few days, you know where to find me.

Adam, borrowing Anne's VS robe and Uggs. 

2.  Kate Middleton:  Kate, darling, you had a spectacular year! You did what every one of us dreamed of doing by marrying a Prince in front of millions of people!  But you haven't had any carbs in 18 months...I don't envy you one bit!  Get pregnant and start eating girl, before you end up like Karen Carpenter.

I just took a laxaaaaative!

1.  Jesus:   Don't accuse me of Blasphemy, I'm just going to state the obvious.  Jesus had an amazing year, thanks to Tim Tebow bringing him back into cool.  Don't get me wrong, I love me some Jesus..I just do it in the privacy of my own home and my church and my thoughts...but take a handsome buff football player and let him show the world what a hail mary really is, along with a Tebow or two, and Jesus is back on the charts! 
Is it wrong that I find this man extremely sexy when I should be admiring his dedication to Jesus?

Now let's shift gears and check on some of the people who didn't get any smarter in 2011.

5.  Amy Winehouse:  This is just sad...she met her untimely 'death by misadventure' and missed out on all of her future successes and future loves.  I was SO hoping that she and Russell Brand would start dating and possibly have their own reality show The House Brand of Wine..or something like it.  How brilliant would that show have been watching them shoot heroin, drink and sing.  A sure hit of 2012.  Damn you Amy!

Dream Reality Show That Never Was
4.  Harold Camping and Followers of the Rapture:   OOPS, I think I did it again...I got the date wrong!  People quitting jobs, selling their belongings, spending their last dimes, and then having a big shocked face when nothing happened on May 21st...and then again on October 21.  You've got to be a special kind of stupid.  Enough said.

Tshirt now available in Size Dumb and Dumber
3.  Derek Jeter:  I can't believe this guy.  He's back with that no talent jerkface Minka Kelly, who nearly destroyed all of my good childhood memories of Charlie's Angels with her horrendous acting and whining on the show.  Wasn't it bad enough that she made a total ass of herself on his documentary Derek Jeter, Jeter 3K when she said, "when I met Derek, I didn't know anything about baseball at all..I didn't know the difference between a run and a homerun."   Enjoy fruitless conversations and blank expressions over dinner Derek!

Back together again for 2012! Oh Joy!
2.  Christina Aguilera:  Here's someone who didn't get any smarter this year.  After divorcing her butt ugly husband Jordan Bratman, she turned into a total whackjob who, while on The Voice, not only sounded totally stoned at every turn, made totally inappropriate, idiotic comments to the male contestants making herself look like a total bimbo and making it incredibly painful to watch the show. Christina, tone it the eff down, ease up on the bad hair extensions and the bright red lipstick and just calm the hell down. Thanks.

Pull your shit together Christina.  You're not the first single mother in the world you know.

1.  Jennifer Lopez:  Oh my gosh are you effing kidding me?  You finally rid yourself of Skeletor Mark Anthony with the body of a 12 year old, and you start dating Casper the Friendly Ghost, a real 12 year old?  You couldn't find anyone else to get your hump on with?  I mean, come on, you've been down this road before..do you really like giving allowances to your boy toys and being blinded by pasty white Kevin Federline-types?  Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.  You had an incredible year, but you are incredibly stupid!

Jenny from the block, shouldn't you be pulling up your toddler's pants that are falling down and not your boyfriend's?

Well, that's the re-crap...cheers to more flubs and f-ups in 2012 that make us feel a little better about ourselves!
DG

1 comment:

  1. Okay. Seriously. This is genious!!! Couldn't have said it any better myself!!!! Kuddos (is that really how it's spelled or is that the snack bar food?! Hmm..) Maybe it Kudos...yeah. Kudos!

    Don't hate me though, I've never seen Bridesmaids. Ever. I shall watch it soon though, how the hell can we be besties if I ain't never seen a show you find so utterly hilarious?!? Psshhh. We can't =(

    Good writin' sista!!!!

    ReplyDelete

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