Wednesday

Mom Vs. Fitted Sheet and other Household Wrestling Matches


Nothing works up a sweat quite like changing the sheets.

I feel like no matter what stage of life my kids are in, I am always struggling with making their beds. When they were just infants, I would change the tiny sheets of the bassinet next to my bed, but the microscopic fitted sheet always gathered in the wrong spots or didn't stretch properly to avoid suffocation of the baby.  Throw sleep deprivation and Post Partum depression into the mix and you can bank on a few episodes of crying over fitted bassinet sheets.


When they moved on to a crib, it became even harder.  I would literally be drenched in sweat and out of breath from wrestling with the crib mattress' fitted sheet.  They made them fit so snug that you had to be nothing less than a bodybuilder and contortionist to get it on right. Throw the annoying bumper pads into this scenario and you can guarantee you'll rip at least one of those ridiculous little ties that barely connect the bumper to the crib. I used to lay another blanket down over the sheet so I wouldn't have to change them as often.


Does this woman have a tool belt on to change the crib sheet? Why yes, yes she does.  Point illustrated.
Next we had the brilliant idea to get bunk beds.  Have you ever tried changing the sheets on a bunk bed?  It is almost impossible to do without cracking your head on the top bunk or pulling a muscle from overstretching your arms and back.  I am lucky that I never got a concussion making those damn beds.  Trying to get the fitted sheet nice and tight while being bent in half ducking under the other bed is an ab workout to say the least. In the event a miracle would take place and I'd actually get two corners of the fitted sheet on, I had to then stretch the sheet enough to fit on the other corner without overstretching it leading it to snap and fly through the air.  Often times I would end up in the Superman position on my belly trying to reach all of the corners against the wall. That always ended up with me in the fetal position and crying and/or napping from exhaustion.

Snoozing after a good sheet-changing workout is a must.
Recently, the two little ones decided they want to start sleeping together.  Hey, whatever gets them to sleep easier, faster, and with fewer "mooooom can I have a drink of water???????" interruptions.  So I had to put one of those Safety Side Rails up on their full size bed.  This seemed like an easy enough invention.  Little did I know it gets fitted underneath the entire width of the bed and is as complicated as a crib rail. Again, getting a fitted sheet on a mattress when struggling with that thing is a workout.  Who needs BodyJam when I can get a better work out jamming my body against their mattress?

Brilliant invention - total pain in the ass though.

Hubs and I have a king size bed that I swear weighs 200 pounds.  I like to dust behind the bed so he and I aren't breathing in dust all night but it's almost impossible to get behind the mattress when it weighs that much.  If you saw me using the hose extender behind the bed with one leg over the headboard and one leg stabilizing me on the bed, you'd wonder how I haven't hung myself on the vacuum hose.

Death by Vacuum Cord Strangulation

In our sunroom, we have an old couch of mine that I got one of those SureFit covers for.  I thought this was a brilliant idea to give my couch that still had plenty of good years left the facelift it needed to freshen up the room.  The website makes them look so easy and simple.  Well guess what, I get several good cardio workouts and exclamations of colorful curse words everytime I have to wash that damn thing and put it back on.  Who in the HELL thought this thing up?  A man. For sure.  It is the most ridiculous, non-user friendly pain in the ass couch cover I've ever known.  By the time I'm done, I have to resist the temptation to punch the couch pillows as hard as I can.  Forget kickboxing workouts, I'm going to work out my aggressions on the loveseat.

More tools needed? To put on a slipcover? Are you kidding me? Oh, and there's an instructional video available too.

When I eventually get back into the workforce, I'm wondering if these skills and struggles will be valuable to a prospective employer.  I highly doubt it.  Whatever battles you are currently experiencing with your mattress of choice, or furniture or other household items, know that you are not alone in your struggles.

You're welcome,
DG

11 comments:

  1. Yes! The fitted sheet is bad, but the mattress pad for our king-sized bed is the worst! Not only is it about two inches too small in every direction, it's also made of crappy material and has a couple of holes in the seams. Every time I put it on I'm afraid I'm going to rip it. I really don't want to have to buy a new one (which will no doubt also be too small).

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  2. My son wanted a bed tent for Christmas. I thought it looked pretty cool and got it. WTF was a thinking. After wrestling to get the fitted sheets on, I have to then position the blankets so that they can still be pulled down for him to get under with the tent on. Then I have to climb over a giant mound of Super Mario tent to attach the tent on (it has straps that go under the 4 corners of the mattress. Worst thing I ever bought, but he loves it!!! We had bunk beds at one point, and a loft bed. I taught my 6 year old to change his own sheets then.

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  3. lol, love it! I don't mean to brag, but I fold a mean fitted sheet :)

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  4. you are my hero. I can barely keep my very easy to change queen bed linens changed and clean in a timely manner.

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  5. Oh man, I feel your pain! Bunk bed sheets are the WORST!!

    Just found your blog, so glad I did. Look forward to reading more!

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  6. I love this! I like to change my kid's sheets when I want to perfect my cussing skills. After "installing" a slipcover, I needed a Xanax. Glad to know I'm not alone.

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  7. Just found your blog and love it! I, too, HATE changing sheets. We were the brilliant geniuses that put our twin boys twin beds against the wall. I feel like an olympic gold medalist by the time I'm finished with those bad boys. Well, an old and sore olympic gold medalist.

    omgtwinshappen.blogspot.com

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  8. How ironic that I log on and see this blog just after spending twenty minutes fighting and cussing with my daughter's fitted sheet... and the five month old yellow lab that thought my actions meant playtime!

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  9. I'm ok with putting the fitted sheets on the bed, but folding those dumb things? Seriously... The worst part about changing sheets to me, is the stupid duvet cover... Whose ideas was it to move past a comforter or a quilt anyway?

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  10. Sheet changing! THE WORST!! We have a King,in a Bamboo bed frame (we live in California near the beach,and were going for the whole beach theme) Wow was I excited when we purchased our specialty room furniture!!
    WOW was I NOT EXCITED anymore the first time I changed the sheets. Hard to explain, but you have to pull the mattress corners out from inside the frame, blah, blah, blah...
    It literally almost put me in labor being pregnant with my daughter. My hubby came home to find me curled in a ball crying on the half made bed.
    What is wrong? Something with the baby? Are you o.k.? Should we call the doctor? Talk to me?

    "I Can't change these sheets alooooonnnnneeee anymore. Bwwwwaaaahhhhhhh"

    Yes- Changing sheets suck.

    Great Post!

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  11. This post is hilarious! Although, I don't mind changing the bedding. It is a work out so I use it as my workout on bed changing day....probably why I haven't lost all the baby weight yet, since bed changing day is different for each bed :)

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