A Case of the Blahdays.
Last week, it hit 80+ degrees here in New Hampshire. Last night, however, it hit 20 degrees. I watched the apple farmers wipe tears from their eyes as they talked about how significant this year's losses will be. As if people aren't struggling enough, at every turn there seems to be something else to make swimming upstream even harder. As happy as everyone was last week while the sun was shining, there were people who knew that the other shoe would drop when it went back to normal March temperatures. I feel awful for these people, but I shut the tv off before I hear anything else that breaks my heart.
As I try to change my disposition and turn my focus to my kids, my 4 year old tells me that he no longer likes the Orange Juice with 'a little pulp.' This never was a problem before. I make a mental note of this as I pour him some milk instead.
My three year old looks at the plate of breakfast in front of him and tells me that he doesn't want cream cheese on his bagel this morning, he wants peanut butter instead. Exhale, Mommy, Exhale. They are just little guys being honest. Work with it. As I stand in the kitchen, dealing with this silly scenario, I hear the sound of the garbage truck whirring down the street. Shit! It's Tuesday! I stop what I'm doing, throw on my shoes, and drag the garbage cans down to the road as fast as humanly possible. The trucks pull up and laugh at me as they see I'm hyperventilating in my Yoga pants and ponytail, mascara smudged down my eyes. I give them a pathetic, forced smile along with a thumbs up and a nod of my head and I run back to the house. Back to the breakfast crisis at hand.
A few simple situations seem like a mountain to overcome while I struggle to pull myself together. Middler lets out a huge sneeze, blowing everything built up in his nose all over his face. I reach for a tissue, only to find the box is empty and still on the counter. Maddening. I run to the bathroom to grab tissue - the roll has one square left on it. As I run TO the bathroom, I see that the cat has pooped outside of the box, and smeared poop all through the hallway on the floor. Snot on toddler, poop on floor, empty kleenex box, toilet paper roll needs changed, Youngest doesn't want cream cheese, Middler hates pulp. Tears are welling up in my eyes. Stupid, yes. But true.
30 minutes later, I have things under control. Kids are fed, floor is mopped, toilet paper is refilled, kleenex box folded in recycle bin - feelings of sadness and frustration are still there. You'll always have days like this. It's not a big deal.
No matter how I try to fight these feelings on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis, they are there. Isn't everyone just holding on by their fingernails? We put on a good show, but underneath the hair and makeup, fun clothes and pretty handbags, we're glued together not by superglue, but more like an elementary school type of glue stick. You know, the kind that barely holds stuff together long enough to make it home for parents to ooh and ahh and then falls apart?
So how do I pull it back together? I call a friend or two, ask how their day is going, and listen to their responses. Same type of day, different scenario. Someone was up all night with a fever, another one got bullied at school, someone else is struggling with a diet, toilet training, a sleepless toddler. We manage to throw a few jokes in between, just to show that we're ok and still keeping it together, but are we? First world problems, I get it. Doesn't mean that they don't matter. Life is hard sometimes. That's why I depend on humor so much. I'm not feeling funny today - and that's ok. I know when something is really funny, I'll laugh. In the meantime, I will be content to draw strength and courage from the innocent, hopeful smiles on the faces of my kids. They are all I need on days like this. Well, one more thing that helps. I'm Alright by Jo Dee Messina. Just a gentle reminder that everything is ok..even when it feels like it's not.
Tomorrow will be better...I'm sure of it. I'm not a complainer - I am blessed beyond words - we have health, happiness and home...but today I'm giving myself permission to feel shitty.