Wednesday

Piñata - 2, Mommy - 0

First of all, before I begin the tale of the damn  piñata, I want to make sure that everyone who is reading this has seen the smashing-of-the-printer scene from Office Space.  I want you to hear the music in the background and feel their anger so you can fully appreciate the mood I'm in.
D I S C L A I M E R :  DO not  LISTEN to the vid if you are easily offended by the term mother effers...it is used repeatedly in the song...so either mute it or skip it and look at the harmless photo below.  For those of you who don't mind an m eff or two and don't have tiny ones around -  Click here to do your homework, then read on.

This is me with the bat - and the printer is the piñata.

 It all started when my (almost) 5 year old decided that the only thing he "really "wanted at his birthday party was a piñata. (Don't you love this age when they spring these things on you days, hours, minutes before the event, leaving you scrambling?) I was planning on getting everything I needed for his party today while they were at preschool.  After stopping at several places and jamming way too much in the back of my SUV, I remembered the effing pinata.  I had to go BACK to Target  to find it.  I was already stressed out this morning from a number of extraneus goings on with the boys, with scheduling, with having to chase down rsvps for the party - since apparently no one gets how to rsvp.  (I'm sorry, was text, email, phone, cell phone, home number, address, etc..not enough options for you to get back to me? Perhaps next time I will add ESP as an option so I can read their mind!)


Please RSVP - or don't.  That's no problem..I love guessing!

lol...this too!
He wants a Ninjago party - which of course, other than the toys and a few books, does not exist.  It's bad enough I had to make my own cookies, buy a Ninjago sticker book and decorate solid colored paper cups and solid goody bags, and do everything by hand, now I had to look all over hell and back for a pinata resembling a lego ninja?  Ummm, no.  Line drawn there.

I found a primary colored star at Target and figured that would have to do.  I was barely holding on by a thread when I got in the 12 items or less line to speed through and be on my way in time to get the kids.  I got behind someone who a)clearly can't count  b)wanted to write a check and c)kept getting more stuff from the last minute display to add to her bag.  My blood pressure was about to skyrocket when she had an epiphany.  "OH MY GOODNESS!  I FORGOT WHAT I CAME FOR!"  I wanted to sympathize with her because I do that 9/10 times I go to Target - but why today?  The day I just need to get in and get out!  So she ran quickly to get what she needed as I waited with my stupid effing star piñata.  The next checkout register was 10 registers down and about 4 people deep.   No really, please don't open another register, I have all the time in the world. 

Here comes check woman.  She apologizes and I offer a kind smile even though I am barely holding on at this point.  She turns to me and asks me the date.  Look, if you are going to in-fucking-sist on writing checks in the year 2012 then it is YOUR responsibility is to know the date..is that too much to ask????   Luckily, the checkout clerk answered her quickly before I took a swing at her with my party piñata.

I made it to the car.  I threw that thing in hard and with a fury like I haven't seen in a while.  ( I could almost hear my mom's voice saying, take it easy and calm down before something happens out of frustration).  The clutter of the backseat caused the piñata to fall forward into the corner of the door just as I was closing it.  I smashed the living hell out of it when I slammed the door closed.  Hmpf.  I smashed a piñata and didn't even get a piece of candy or a cheer from a passerby.  These things are overrated.



I opened the door again knowing my mom's voice was right - and now I heard her voice even louder...I told you. 

Really?  If it were physically possible, I would've kicked my own ass in the parking lot of Target.  But Alas, thank God I cannot or I would've been charged with self-inflicted assault on an idiot mommy.  Instead, my punishment was to go back in to Target and buy the last effing star piñata on the shelf.

Now I am standing in line behind three people who have more than 12 items.  I am going to be late for sure if I don't get out of here quickly.

I get to the register and the checkout girl does a double take.  Oh no.  What happened?  I just smiled and gritted my teeth - car door/mommy malfunction.  She knew.  She knew not to say anything as she smiled and apologetically handed me my receipt.

The only thing that made me feel better while driving home is picturing this outdoor scene.  Me. A baseball bat. The Piñata. And the music from Office Space.  I wanted to beat the shit out of that star with everything I had in me.  I pictured my husband pulling me off of it as I got down on the ground and started to punch it in it's little star belly.  It made me laugh so hard in the car.  This is where I am again reminded that humor - and great movie scenes and quotes can get you through anything.



T-minus 3 days to Pseudo-Ninjago, Star Piñata Party. He'll only turn 5 once so - - I can do this

Damn it feels good to be a gangster mommy.

The things we do for love...
~DG

12 comments:

  1. OMG! Best giggle ever!
    I need to add peeps that intended to write check and didn't bring their own pen to the list of people I would love to scream at. If you can't find or lost your pen, that sucks, but if you came in with license and check book only...I hate you!

    Also, I wish I had thought of that scene as I smashed my wireless router to bits a few years ago for dying mid-chat with my deployed Hubby. I did record me smashing it and sent a copy to the hubs and his team, but the only sound was me cursing and smashing the router...that song would have made it perfect!

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  2. Ooooh I was feeling my own blood pressure sky rocket just reading this...haha! I feel your ever-lovin-Ninjago pain...why do they always want what we can't find?? No worries though, momma...you got mad gangsta mommy skillz and will kick this party's ass. And I would so be there to cue the unrepropiate song while you beat that star...with wine in hand of course. I cant wait to hear how it goes!! Love you to pieces!

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  3. Thanks for the laugh and for the reassurance that I'm not the only person having random experiences at Target which cause me rage. Does your cart at Target always have trash in it? Because mine does and I don't get it. Anyway, reading your blog makes me feel like we share the same brain. You crack me up. Kick that pinata's ass.

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  4. Now would really not be the time for me to tell you how to make your own pull a ribbon piñata...right? I hope you showed that star who was boss!

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  5. "Here comes check woman. She apologizes and I offer a kind smile even though I am barely holding on at this point."
    Your post evoked strong sense memories from me. I need to go breathe and lower my heart rate now.

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  6. Yay me! In nearly 20 years of mommyhood, not one single pinata to deal with... nor have my kids ever been to a birthday party with a pinata, now that I think about it. Winner!!!

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  7. Hilarious! My blood pressure gets SO high in situations like this. I too am attempting a pinata-free parenthood!
    You got this girl, it's gonna be a kick ass party!
    Devan

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  8. WHY cannot people RSVP?? It's not that difficult! And I hate when my daughter comes home from school & says that Susie told me she's coming to my party. Great. I'd believe that more if I heard it from a parent! I don't care if you're all 13, 14, 15 years old. And my kid sure isn't going to a party unless I talk to an actual adult who will be in attendance!! What's up with people??

    Sorry about the rant. Love the post, cracked up at your self-control for not throttling the check lady!

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  9. oh this post gave me such great joy. imagining you bashing the shit outta that thing with that music playing! one of the best scenes ever that we act out in our office all the time. It can be applied anywhere, though as you so hilariously pointed out. YOU GO GIRL!

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  10. Ha ha that was great! BTW you can spray paint the pinata black if that will make it NINJA enough :)

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  11. Love Pinatas, hate the crap I usually put in them. I really wish I had some different ideas for some not so ordinary prizes.

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  12. you are such a good mommy! I hope the party was great!

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