"What was that for?" Hubs asked.
"What was what for?" I respond quickly.
"The big heavy sigh.."
"YOU ...you just sighed..you do it all the time..it usually means you're pissed about something."
"Oh," I say, feeling busted. "I didn't even realize it."
I sigh - often - it's a bad habit - but I think it's a self-preservation mechanism that prohibits me from dropping f-bombs and going into fits of Tourette's rages throughout the day.
I tried to notice lately how much I actually do sigh. I do it...all....the...time. Not just a nice healthy exhale of sorts either. These are full on Olympia Dukakis-as-Rose-Castorini-from-Moonstruck type sighs. The juicy ones that tell a story in themselves.
|I can't love Rose Castorini (Olympia Dukakis in Moonstruck) any more than I already do. Her sighs are like music to my ears.|
I can't help it. I'm like a hamster on a wheel. It's like everything I do is pointless. The cleaning, the picking up after everyone, the laundry, the cooking, the dishes. It needs done. I'm the one to do it. It's all temporary, fleeting, unimportant..but it's hard.
I clean the bathroom, only to find a few minutes later, that one of the kids has trashed it again. I pick up Legos constantly, I clean one room only to find the next one trashed. I literally cannot go into one room to get something done, without being distracted by something that needs done.
So I sigh.
Repeatedly throughout the day.
|Ahhh the power and beauty of women.|
As I try to analyze things, I realize that I would be screaming otherwise. It is maddening - infuriating sometimes, too. Is it wrong for me to just want to finish a task without having to do ten more en-route? Maybe I'm to blame. Maybe I'm too OCD for my own good. I don't know - can anyone ignore dollops of toothpaste in the sink while washing their hands?
Perhaps screaming and kicking and throwing an all out tantrum on the floor would be better on occasion? Maybe it would be cleansing and therapeutic. God I would be exhausted if I threw a tantrum over all of the things I have to do in a day? So I sigh, because it's a little more age appropriate.
Events throughout the day can be completely exasperating. How much does a mother have in her before she breaks down? Perhaps the fact that I only get a break on MWF for 2 hours and 20 minutes doesn't help any. The fact that my family is far and I'm a one woman show while Hubs is working. I'm cracked. I admit it. As much as I love being a mother, and I do, don't get me wrong, I am exhausted, frustrated, baffled, annoyed and off -kilter often during the day. No matter how well I did it the day before, it's a whole new game when I get up in the morning. So I sigh.
I think sighing is the release of the poison that builds out of frustration. So releasing the poison is good for the mind, body and soul. It gives the phrase letting off steam a whole new meaning. If this is what my body needs to do, then I will continue to do it. I'm like a Willow tree that sways in the wind, bending and gracefully falling over to avoid breaking..or in my case, breaking down. I know it won't always be like this. These little guys will get bigger and wiser, and more helpful (if I have anything to do with it they will!) and this will all just be a distant memory - a silly complaint - a senseless rant. But I'm in the thick of it now, and it needs to be out. There. I feel better.
Until next time friends,