I decided to explain in a blog by showing first hand why I would be terrible at product reviews.
|This is true.|
First of all, I tend to personify inanimate objects. It's a weird habit that stems from boredom and being home with young children and hidden from adults for so long. I call objects assholes, tell appliances to bite me, yell at light fixtures that make annoying I'm -about-to -burn out noises. You get my drift?
So to illustrate my point on why this is not my cup of coffee (I hate tea), I will write a product review on several things that really piss me off.
Let's start with this gigantic asshole of a product.
Del Monte Fruit Cups.....of any fruit type:
I don't know how Del Monte configured this - but now matter how the hell I open one of these bastards, I end up with syrup on my shirt, my crotch, my sleeve - you name it. How are we supposed to send these in our kids' lunches when we as parents can't even open them without soiling ourselves? They are vacuumed sealed so that only Thor himself can open them. Why not make the packaging a little bigger, perhaps with a little less syrup? Bottom line - my kids love these, so I tolerate with minimal patience - but if ever a fruit could be a douchebag - Del Monte would be the Massengil of the group.
My Message to Del Monte - You've got me where you want me. Stop being an asshole and reconfigure your damn fruit cups.
Stonyfield Yo Squeeze Yogurts:
|It never fails...to fail every single time. Splat!|
Here's another group of little bitches. First of all, the reason I get them, is because there is no crap in them. Just the basics - milk, sugar, strawberry juice, etc - and mostly because they are colored with beet juice. There is no easy way to rip these open at the 'easy tear' top. Every time my five year old tries to open one, a huge dollop flies out on his hand, shirt, pants, table,etc. Those bitches are expensive too - almost $1 more a package than the others - so when a dollop falls out - that's one less spoonful every time. ^%$#! It's competitor, Gogurt, however, has the easy rip top down to a science. I swear, when the kids have these at preschool, they rip off with no trouble. Perhaps it is to make up for the fact that they are being colored with everyone's favorite enemy, Red #40. Thankfully, Gogurt has come up with Simply Gogurt - a happy medium without any food coloring. Still some shady ingredients - but much better than regular Gogurt.
My message to Stonyfield - stop making my kids cry when they open their yogurt. You make more laundry for me when they have globs of yogurt all over their shirts. It's pissing me off and if I'm paying this much for a damn yogurt tube, the least you could do is your part and make them kid friendly.
Uncle Ben's Rice:
This one hurts me because I love my Uncle Ben's rice. But why would you put the words "easy pour spout" when there is NOTHING easy about it - ever. Every time I try to dig my fingernail into the spout to release it - I have to quit before I rip the jerk open and spill rice everywhere. So, it never fails, I end up ripping the top open and then I have to pour the rice in a Ziploc for future use. Is there anything more frustrating than dealing with a kitchen menace like this during dinner preparations?
My message to Uncle Ben - you make me want to cry when I open your easy pour spout unsuccessfully. You look like a Southern gentleman, act like one. Fix the gdamn spout so it functions properly...please and thank you. PS...If I need a tetanus shot because the silver spout stabs the nailbed of my thumbnail, so help me, I'm sending you the ER bill. Your product testers in the laboratory should have to endure an easy pour spout under their nails to see how it feels.
Clairol Nice 'n Easy Color Foam (but more specifically, the conditioner packet):
To be clear, there is nothing 'nice' or 'easy' about this Conditioner packet. Here's the thing, I'm not Jamie Lee Curtis. I have more hair than the entire Kardashian family combined - so when you put one teaspoon of conditioner in the packet, it really pisses me off. But wait, your evil packet gets worse. Imagine me being in the shower, hands slippery, eyes wet and blurry. I reach for the 'nice' and 'easy' conditioner packet only to find there is no perforation, no rip open slot, no starter tear, no nothing. I try my teeth, but it slides out of my mouth repeatedly. I grab a razor out of desperation and slice repeatedly, leaving enough of a jagged edge to somehow rip open the mutilated remains of the packet, not to mention cutting my finger along the way. I squeeze conditioner out of the tiniest rip that I was able to make and while squeezing so hard to get it out, shoot some of it across the shower stall - and I can't spare a drop of it - so I bend over trying to scoop it out of the shower stall, needing anything I can recover to put in my hair. So basically, I have enough to cover one side of my head, leaving an unbalanced, uneven, unconditioned look to my hair. Awesome.
My message to Miss Clairol. You listen to me, and you listen to me well. God did not put me on this earth to deal with gray hairs AND your bullshit conditioner packet. Raise your freakin' prices by $1.50 and give me a mini bottle of conditioner in that box of color. You feelin' me now? See. That was nice...and easy.
I could go on - but I think you get my point. I'm picky. I don't like to struggle when I deal with my products. That's why I have children. I have power struggles with them all day, I don't need them from you.
Perhaps a year's supply of some of this stuff might make my attitude less aggressive - I can be bought you know. Depends on the product. I would be happy to write up a glowing report on m&m's or kitkats...perhaps Doritos, too? I'm willing to negotiate for the right flavor.
|For a year's supply of chocolate, I could write one hell of a charming review.|
Until then - - I have to go change my shirt because I smell like sugared pears.
|See. First world problems.|