Wednesday

Why I'd Be A Terrible Product Review Blogger..

I've gotten several requests to review products and blog about them.  I've declined them all.  I'm too opinionated when it comes to stuff and I really try hard to keep this blog upbeat and positive.  I feel like if I start doing product reviews, I'm going to get whiny and sound like a woman with first world problems.  I like to save that persona for Hubs as part of his daily torment/comedy bit.

I decided to explain in a blog by showing first hand why I would be terrible at product reviews. 


This is true.

First of all, I tend to personify inanimate objects.  It's a weird habit that stems from boredom and being home with young children and hidden from adults for so long.  I call objects assholes, tell appliances to bite me, yell at light fixtures that make annoying I'm -about-to -burn out noises.   You get my drift?

So to illustrate my point on why this is not my cup of coffee (I hate tea), I will write a product review on several things that really piss me off.

Let's start with this gigantic asshole of a product. 

Del Monte Fruit Cups.....of any fruit type:



I don't know how Del Monte configured this - but now matter how the hell I open one of these bastards, I end up with syrup on my shirt, my crotch, my sleeve - you name it.  How are we supposed to send these in our kids' lunches when we as parents can't even open them without soiling ourselves?  They are vacuumed sealed so that only Thor himself can open them.  Why not make the packaging a little bigger, perhaps with a little less syrup?  Bottom line - my kids love these, so I tolerate with minimal patience - but if ever a fruit could be a douchebag - Del Monte would be the Massengil of the group.

My Message to Del Monte - You've got me where you want me.  Stop being an asshole and reconfigure your damn fruit cups. 

Stonyfield Yo Squeeze Yogurts:

It never fails...to fail every single time.  Splat!

Here's another group of little bitches.  First of all, the reason I get them, is because there is no crap in them.  Just the basics - milk, sugar, strawberry juice, etc - and mostly because they are colored with beet juice.  There is no easy way to rip these open at the 'easy tear' top.  Every time my five year old tries to open one, a huge dollop flies out on his hand, shirt, pants, table,etc.  Those bitches are expensive too - almost $1 more a package than the others - so when a dollop falls out - that's one less spoonful every time.  ^%$#!  It's competitor, Gogurt, however, has the easy rip top down to a science.  I swear, when the kids have these at preschool, they rip off with no trouble.  Perhaps it is to make up for the fact that they are being colored with everyone's favorite enemy, Red #40.  Thankfully, Gogurt has come up with Simply Gogurt - a happy medium without any food coloring.  Still some shady ingredients - but much better than regular Gogurt.



My message to Stonyfield - stop making my kids cry when they open their yogurt.  You make more laundry for me when they have globs of yogurt all over their shirts.  It's pissing me off and if I'm paying this much for a damn yogurt tube, the least you could do is your part and make them kid friendly.

Uncle Ben's Rice:

This one hurts me because I love my Uncle Ben's rice.  But why would you put the words "easy pour spout" when there is NOTHING easy about it - ever.  Every time I try to dig my fingernail into the spout to release it - I have to quit before I rip the jerk open and spill rice everywhere.  So, it never fails, I end up ripping the top open and then I have to pour the rice in a Ziploc for future use.  Is there anything more frustrating than dealing with a kitchen menace like this during dinner preparations?



My message to Uncle Ben - you make me want to cry when I open your easy pour spout unsuccessfully.  You look like a Southern gentleman, act like one.  Fix the gdamn spout so it functions properly...please and thank you.  PS...If I need a tetanus shot because the silver spout stabs the nailbed of my thumbnail, so help me, I'm sending you the ER bill.  Your product testers in the laboratory should have to endure an easy pour spout under their nails to see how it feels.

Clairol Nice 'n Easy Color Foam (but more specifically, the conditioner packet):



To be clear, there is nothing 'nice' or 'easy' about this Conditioner packet.  Here's the thing, I'm not Jamie Lee Curtis.  I have more hair than the entire Kardashian family combined - so when you put one teaspoon of conditioner in the packet, it really pisses me off.  But wait, your evil packet gets worse.  Imagine me being in the shower, hands slippery, eyes wet and blurry.  I reach for the 'nice' and 'easy' conditioner packet only to find there is no perforation, no rip open slot, no starter tear, no nothing.  I try my teeth, but it slides out of my mouth repeatedly.  I grab a razor out of desperation and slice repeatedly, leaving enough of a jagged edge to somehow rip open the mutilated remains of the packet, not to mention cutting my finger along the way.  I squeeze conditioner out of the tiniest rip that I was able to make and while squeezing so hard to get it out, shoot some of it across the shower stall - and I can't spare a drop of it - so I bend over trying to scoop it out of the shower stall, needing anything I can recover to put in my hair.  So basically, I have enough to cover one side of my head, leaving an unbalanced, uneven, unconditioned look to my hair.  Awesome.

My message to Miss Clairol.   You listen to me, and you listen to me well.  God did not put me on this earth to deal with gray hairs AND your bullshit conditioner packet.  Raise your freakin' prices by $1.50 and give me a mini bottle of conditioner in that box of color.  You feelin' me now?  See.  That was nice...and easy.


I could go on - but I think you get my point.  I'm picky.  I don't like to struggle when I deal with my products.  That's why I have children.  I have power struggles with them all day, I don't need them from you. 



Perhaps a year's supply of some of this stuff might make my attitude less aggressive - I can be bought you know.  Depends on the product.  I would be happy to write up a glowing report on m&m's or kitkats...perhaps Doritos, too?   I'm willing to negotiate for the right flavor.


For a year's supply of chocolate, I could write one hell of a charming review.

Until then - - I have to go change my shirt because I smell like sugared pears.
~DG

See.  First world problems. 












19 comments:

  1. My husband does online surveys for phony money credits, but recently we got toilet paper delivered.we can't even seem to use it and go online to do the survey...really? So I am fairly certain we wouldn't be able to do actual reviews. I love the ones you did her though...yogurt tubes and fruit cups are obviously the work of the devil.

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  2. Once again, you've outdone yourself. Hysterically funny! I'm right there with you with the yogurt. My kids have to use scissors to cut the tops off.

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    1. Mine too. I can't give them to my kindergartner for snack because his teacher has to help him - with most everything: the pringles, the damn drink bottle.
      That woman must be cursing me.

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  3. this is so so funny and so true! I swear last night I was thinking to myself "i coiuld review some chocolate"

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  4. Freeze the yogurt. Makes it less goopy and it seems like more of a treat.

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  5. I firmly believe you would be THE PERFECT PERSON to do reviews. You tell them what needs fixed! And you do it with the most amazingly fabulous humor intermixed (I know, purely an attempt to minimize the actual frustration building inside just thinking about how they could screw up what is seemingly the most simple aspect of the product...).
    I share your anger issues (are you angry?) about product stupidity. But if someone is only going to kiss ass about it just to get "paid", then what good is the review?!?!?
    YOU WOULD ROCK. THE WORLD NEEDS YOU!! Manufacturers NEED YOU to save them from their own stupidity! I NEED YOU to help with my anger issues :)
    *Walks away whistling "Don't Worry Be Happy"*

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  6. Can you write another blog telling us what happens during PMS week when you have to deal with these bullshit products? I wonder if there are weapons involved. I'd LOVE to read that! :)

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  7. Thank you for making me laugh-I needed that! A welcome relief from the OAMs 'nicey nice best thing to ever happen to me' product reviews!

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  8. I have to say I completely feel you on ALL of the above. The fact that it takes an advanced degree to get a straw into a god-bless-ed capri sun does not bode well for their product. And so we're clear...I buy the actual gogurts and ALWAYS...always...have to cut the top off with scissors. Don't get me started with hair products...I'm right there with you on the massive amounts of hair, sister. You are freaking hilarious and I'm so glad to have you as a friend...you make me laugh!!

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    1. Yes! The Capri Sun pouch/straw combo is a menace to society!

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  9. Love love love this post! Those fruit cups are the devil, man. I'd like to add to your list the Oscar Mayer DeliFresh plastic tubs of lunchmeat where you simply "Bend Corner To Open". It never fails that I bend the corner and then I have a plastic tub with a bent corner.

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    1. YES! And then it never seals properly and I end up putting in a bag ANYWAY.

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  10. For all these reasons, I wish you would be a product reviewer. This was helpful and so damn funnY! so many blogger reviews are boring as shit. You give it life, my friend, of course! And, I don't trust that Uncle Ben as far as I can throw him.

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  11. Hahahah. You are hilarious. Thanks for telling it like it is. Just discovered your blog. Wish I had discovered it sooner.

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  12. You are RIGHT ON with every single issue! I have done exactly everything in this blog, but would never be able to convey it as funny as you have! The conditioner packet is right on - although I gave up coloring my hair myself when I turned it fuscia trying to use a "natural" hair color! :) Keep writing and we'll keep laughing!

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  13. I'm pretty sure most people yell at inanimate objects. I know I do, and I know my friends do... Maybe we're all just nuts? But I think you should do product reviews, they were hilarious. Oh and if you don't like the rip conditioner sachets, then try a different brand, some have little bottles in them now :) ... the gloves are still ridiculous plastic ones that tear and make it annoying to do your hair, but the conditioner is easier to work with :P

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  14. I like how you spill the juice from the fruit cups and you "clean" it up and it's gone and then two hours later you have like five pencils and a cat stuck to your pants.

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  15. Crueler yet is sending fruit cups or go-gurts to preschool on your child's snack day, forcing the preschool teacher (that would be me) to open 16 of them at once. There's a special, special place someday for those moms....

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  16. If people that reviewed products were actually honest the companies could fix the problems :). I think my honestly is why they don't ask me to do surveys any more LOL.

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