Do not call me, maybe.


There are two phone calls I keep getting at the most inopportune times of the day.  One of them is Tom from Home Protection Security and the other is Rachel from Cardmember Services.

I hate them both.

I don't receive any other telemarketing-type of calls except these two.  I'm not sure how they've managed to slip through the cracks - but they have.

Guilty.  I made this card back in December right after he called us in Florida. Side note - is it me, or does the guy in the ecard look like Brad Pitt as Benjamin Button?

Tom is some sort state-of-the-art, pre-programmed, voice-prompted type of robot.  He must have about 100 human responses to expect programmed into his chip because he can recognize certain things.  Others he can't recognize so well.  This is a typical conversation with Tom:

Me:   Hello?
Tom:  Hello! This is Tom from Home Protection, how are you tonight?
Me:  Tom, Tommmy Tommy Hilfigger, Tom-alonga-ding donggg.
Tom:  (automated giggle) - Oookkkaaay, I see I caught you at a bad time, I'll try back.  Click.

Rob Schneider circa 1991 Richmeister: Ran-dyyy! The Rand-man! Randatollah! Randy: Hi, Richard. Just making some copies. Richmeister: Alright! The Rand Old Opry, makin' copies! Randy: It's nice to see you, too, Richard. Richmeister: The Randster! Randomly selected for your listening pleasure! Randy: That's a new one. I like that one. Richmeister: Ran-dyy! Likin' the new one! The Great Randino-o-o-o! Randy: Now, that one I've heard before. [ exits ]  (

Sometimes he'll play along.

Me:  Hello?
Tom:  Hello! This is Tom from Home Protection, how are you tonight?
Me:  Tom, I'm ok, a little under the weather, feeling somewhat unappreciated and what not.
Tom:  Ohhh that's too bad.  Well, listen, the reason I'm calling is because I..
Me (interrupts Tom).  You see Tom, that's the problem with men.  I'm spilling my heart out to you and you
just carry on with your spiel like it's nothing at all.  (feign crying)...I can't take it anymore Tom..I just can't.
Tom:  (pre-programmed panic-stricken voice)  Ok, you have a nice night.

Sometimes I'll take an entire day's worth of aggression out on him, because believe it or not, he is programmed to wait until I am done talking to give me a rebuttal/answer.

Me:  Hello?
Tom:  Hello!  This is Tom from Home Protection, how are you tonight?
Me:  I'm not fucking well Tom - as a matter of fact, I'm about to lose my shit - and you are just the person I needed to unleash it all on because my kids are fighting, I'm trying to cook dinner, the cat puked on my good persian rug, I have bills coming out my ass and I've got the kind of uterine cramps that indicate I may give birth to an ovary today.
Tom:  I'm sorry to hear that, perhaps I will try back again later.  Goodbye.
Line dead. 
But I'm amused.

If you haven't experienced a call from Tom from Home Security - I hope you do - and soon.  It can bring minutes of joy and laughter to you and your loved ones.  I don't feel badly about it either because first of all, he is automated - there is no real Tom behind the voice.  Second of all, he calls easily every other day.  He even called the villa in Florida we rented.  The first night we got there the phone rang and I was like who could be calling us? No one has this number! 

Me:  Hello?
Tom:  Hello!  This is Tom from Home Protection, how are you tonight?
Me: (hearing music in background from Psycho) - Tom, how did you get this number, and how did you know we were here.
Tom:  I'd like to talk to you about protecting your home.  Is now a good time?
Me:  Tom, now is NOT  a good time, because now you know that I am in Florida and not at my real home - so no - it is certainly not a good time.  I mean how am I to know you aren't going to send burglars from your company over to steal my shit - thus proving a point that I do in fact need home security from you?  Very clever Tom, very clever.
Tom:  (automated giggle).  I'm not sure I understand your question, but I woud like to see if you are interested in testing out our security system in your home.
Me:  Tom, you've got to stop this.  It's creepy.
Tom:  Thanks for your time, have a good night.

Then there's Rachel.  You know, Rachel, from Cardmember Services?  She acts like she has something really important to tell you about your credit card that you DON'T have with her company?   She calls repeatedly.  She usually calls, after you've gone all day without the phone ringing, and you finally get two minutes to go to the bathroom uninterrupted and the phone rings and it's her.   Oh, and have you tried to stay on the line to tell them to stop calling?   You sit through 5 minutes of transfers, only to be prompted to press 4 to request removal from the list.  You press # to disconnect the call, only to have Rachel taunt you by calling back, right as you are putting the kids to bed.  Rachel has called me so many times, that I often find solace in her call, knowing that if everyone else has forgotten about me, there's always good old Rachel the scam artist, caring enough about me to call daily, sometimes even twice a day,  to try and fool me into thinking something is wrong with the one credit card I do have and pay faithfully if ever there is a balance on it.  *shaking my fist at can't fool me any more with your silly worrisome calls!*

Somehow we should get Rachel and Tom together for some computer love.  Maybe they'd stop calling us and start calling each other so they can protect each other and talk about interest rates and what not.  Then there would be two less lonely computers in the world. (cue Air Supply love music)

I don't know - just random thoughts on a rainy summer afternoon.

Cheers, and remember that this blog is being monitored for training purposes and/or quailty assurance - of which there is none,

UPDATE:  OCTOBER 1, 2013:   Though Rachel is no longer calling, 'Cardmember Services' is still calling me.  As a matter of fact, I got 4 calls from them in 10 minutes.  FOUR.  So, on the fourth time, I hit ZERO to "close my account" with them - my account that I do NOT have.

 Here is the transcript of that call:
"hullugh thank u fa cullin cahdmemba svcs how you doin tuday""Umm yeah, you guys have called me four times today so I need to get my 'acct that i don't have with you ' closed..""OK darlin how you doin today you married you sound fine and sexay as he-yull."Me: "umm...whahhh?" him: Yeah yeah yeah you know can I tulk to you.Me: Just close the acct.Him: "so you married today or not?"Me: Today, Yesterday Tomorrow - Yes. I am married today, just take me off your list.Him: You sound fine girl he one lucky doooode.Me: Stop calling here. For the love of God please stop the calls.Him: GOD BLESS YOU MA'AM.((CLICK.))


  1. I wonder if there are some folks somewhere peeing their pants laughing at recordings of your conversations with Tom?

  2. I feel ya sister. We get daily calls from "Doctors Network", whatever the hell that is. Probably a bill collector for "Brenda Strickler" because we also get daily calls for her and her unpaid bills. I hate Brenda Strickler.

  3. I feel your pain Karin! I have a David, Kathy, and a Linda that have unpaid bills. -_-

  4. I feel you! I get Rachel too and she drives me nuts. She has an uncanny ability to call at nap time and dinner time. I've gotten a lot lately from survey takers and i's always at the worst time. I love the conversations you had with Tom! Thanks for the laugh!

  5. Loved this Post! Your Tom must be related to our Home Security guy. Only we actually had a home security guy in our home, measuring, taking notes, and ultimately giving us a crazy, insane quote on the price (couple break ins in neighborhood prompted me to make the appt., only to have my hubby handle it)
    Now he WON'T stop calling. I love your tactics.

    As for Rachel! She calls me too! I think she is calling to say that my identity has been stolen, and my card has been ran up to $40,000.00. But, nooooooooooo, she is calling for some BullSh*T reasons. Dam you Rachel and Tom!
    Great Post! Had me cracking up!

  6. The American Red Cross calls me. (I give blood every 56 days and they want to make sure I don't wait 57!) They call me at 8pm!!!!! I yell at them, it's a real person...I'm all "Don't you know it is 8 at night? My kids are in BED, I am about to turn my hubby down and you are calling me!?!?" It makes me want to STOP giving blood. I mean, I know they are low on blood and are desperate but PUH-LEEEEEASE!!
    Great read DG!

  7. I hope Tom calls me! I could use a good recipient of my madness! Funny post as always DG!

  8. So funny. I don't know Tom or Rachel, but now I kind of wish I did! You make them sound like so much fun. I better be careful what I wish for though...Tom and Rachel if you are reading this, I take it back. Please don't start calling me. I have an unlisted number for a reason.

  9. I am always being plagued by companies offering better energy prices. One was especially persistent, even though I had asked them not to contact me by phone, and informed them that I only made such decisions after reading (we all remember reading, right) their documents. The last time they called and I went through this drill she tried to claim it was a differant company that had called in the past. I then read the caller ID info back to her and asked her how stupid she thought I was. Havent heard back since.

  10. you are a sick bloody genius. that is all.

  11. Please tell Tom to call me it's been awhile.

  12. One of my biggest pet peeves is to answer the phone only to be told by some automated system, "This is a very important business matter. Please hold for the next representative." Are you freaking kidding me? Makes me wanna stab someone in the face with a pitch fork. Two things: 1) If it was such an important matter why is a person NOT calling me? 2) Why call me if there isn't an available representative? Makes my blood boil every time. Occasionally I'll wait to be removed give the poor unsuspecting representative a piece of my mind.

    As for Tom, I could really use a good robotic shrink. Next time he calls, give him my number!

  13. Thanks so much for the GREAT laugh. It makes hearing from Rachael funny... Glad we are not alone...


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