Monday

I Can Run. To the Ice Cream Truck.



Ice Cream Truck Delivery Guys:  They don't make them like they used to.  You WILL need a GOOD sense of HUMOR to deal with this new batch of guys.
It's Birthday Season around these parts.  All three of my boys were born withing 4 months of each other, separate years of course.  The last of these birthday parties was yesterday, bringing a much anticipated and glorious close to birthday party mania.



Obviously, I am not an overachiever mom, however, I do try to come up with creative, inexpensive but brilliant party ideas for my kids.  For my 4 year old this week, I had envisioned the ice cream truck pulling into our driveway with his song from The Entertainer blaring for the sake of the partygoers.  This would seem like a pretty easy task to finish.  At the most inopportune times since Spring warmed this city, the Ice Cream Truck could come flying down our road, causing confusion and dismay to our entire family.  Usually, that bastard would decide to arrive during dinner - when the kids were finally making progress on their plates of food.  They would hear the music, stop what they were doing, and fly to the window to press their greasy fingers and oily noses to the window and gawk.

Even if I would agree to get them ice cream on those particular days, there was no way possible for me to get my purse, find money, shoes and the mental and physical endurance of Bruce Jenner to make it in time to stop the truck.  He had been really ticking me off lately -but I had to be nice - I really wanted to pull this surprise off for Youngest.


I had it in my mind from about a month ago that I wanted to do this for his party.  I figured that the next time I heard him at dinnertime, I'd be ready to run out and stop him to arrange the time for him to come to the party. Hell, I even planned to tip him for his efforts - and he was going to make a killing off the kids and the adults at the party and I planned to pay for all of it as part of the entertainment portion of the party.  Who needs an animal balloon maker or scary clown when you can have scary ice cream guy - at least they can score a delicious ice cream treat of their choice and run off into the yard to play.

Days went by.  No truck.  Days turned into weeks.  No truck.  We were one week out to the party.  I was starting to panic.

I had just gotten out of the shower, hair sopping wet, no bra, clothes not picked out yet for the day.  Nothing.  Wouldn't you know, that's when I heard the Entertainer song at a distance on my street.  In slow, slurred, deep, robotic sound I yell....Son of aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...and then...noooooooooooo.


I look around.  I see a strapless sundress from the day before.  I am desperate - I have seconds at best to get this thing on and stop the driver.  I throw it on as fast as I can and bounce all the way downstairs. Where the hell are my sandals?  No where to be found.  I glance up and see him fly by.  He's getting ready to turn by the park next to our house.  Boom - gone.  I fling the door open, barefoot, nothing but a sundress.  I'll be damned if I'm going to lose him now. God knows when he'll be back again.

I run, barefoot, boobloose and fancy free down the street.  This is right out of a movie.  I am determined, so determined that I pay no mind to the pebbles being lodged into the soles of my feet, and the severe chafing going on from running through the park in a sundress.  He stops for a kid.  Here's my chance to gain on him.


I'm out of breath, frantic, humiliated, pissed, and determined.  He looks at me like Lady you must really want a damn ice cream cone.

I can just imagine the whisperings of my old bitty neighbors.."boobs flapping in the wind. footloose, fancy free, all because she wanted some ice cream.." as they shake their head and gossip about the moms these days and how they don't understand them.  

"Do - breath - you - breath - do - breath - birthday- breath - parties???"  I pant.

Yes.  Says the twenty something in the wife beater, droopy shorts, boxers showing while accessorized with a chain link wallet protector and a nose-connected-to ear-ring.  I'm looking at him like I am backstage at a Blink 182 after show and expect a half naked woman to pop out of the ice cream freezer and call him Big Daddy.  Scare kids much dude?

Angry Ice Cream Truck Guy and His Doppleganger Travis Barker.

We agree on a time, I give him my address as he says in a stoned/drunken/laid back/hungover/whatever dude kind of voice, "yeahhh I just drove past there..."   No shit Sherlock.

Deal done.  He's coming to my house at 12noon, pulling in, song blaring, into my driveway to give the 3 and 4 year olds at the party the thrill of their summer by giving them Carte Blanche in the ice cream truck with the tatooed up, pierced to the hilt, earlobe stretcher wearin' driver.  Whatevs.  The things we do for our kids.

I walk back home, feeling victorious and hoping not too many people and/or neighbors witnessed me in my Summer Breeze get up and barefoot, hair blowing in the wind, no makeup frazzled looking mess.  It's done.  The arrangements are made.  This will be my big punch to my party.  I rock.  Mommy is going to deliver at this party.

The day before the party, I get a phone call from Blink 182 lookalike guy. 
Me:  Hello?
Blink 182 Travis Barker Gone Wrong:  Dude, this is the ice cream truck guy, Dale.
Me:  Hello Dale.
Stoner Dale:  Dude, sorry, I can't come to your kid's party tomorrow.  It kinda messes up my day gig that I landed.
Me:  Sorry? 
Drunken Dale:  My day gig.  Can't swing the party dude.  Sorry.
Me:  Do you have someone else you can call or recommend because I was kind of counting on the old ice cream truckapalooza.
Disenchanted Dale:  No - I mean there's one dude I know about an hour away but I don't know his number.  Sorry.
Me:  Goodbye Dale. 


Hey Dale, tell me if this sounds like a phone hanging up.

No Ice Cream Truck.  No Blink 182.  No Ice-Screamapalooza.   I'm going down in flames for this one.

I had to think fast.  I had to scramble.  I went to the grocery store and bought up as many different kinds of Ice Cream Novelties I could come up with .  You know, the fun ones like Rocketpops and Creamsicles, Fudgesicles, and Character faces.  It probably cost me 1/2 of what Blink 182 angry dude would've charged me - and oh my God were those kids happy when they got to pick from the variety we had.


This whole ordeal made me think.  I need my own damn Ice Cream Truck.  Brilliant.  I'd be giving that shit away, taking kids for rides, letting them play with my loudspeaker, shouting annoying things into the microphone to my annoying neighbors, etc.  That would be so much fun.  I'd pick the most inopportune times to drive around the neighborhood while stopping and slowing, then hitting the gas just as the kids think they are almost there.   Kidding.  But it is a funny thought.


Instead of the ragtime theme song to the Entertainer, I'd have to go with the heavy sounds of "Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta..." while rolling with my homies in my Ice Cream Truck. 

The birthday party is done, and I am hanging up my party hat until next March.  As far as the Ice Cream Truck.  Dale is on my shit list.  And he's seen me at my worst.  He's got me where he wants me.  Son of a.

Cheers and Happy Birthday Parties now and always,
~DG

23 comments:

  1. so funny...i could chase a cupcake truck down fo sho

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    1. I'd totally share the last cupcake with you if I beat you there. That's how much I love you! xo

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  2. Don't hang up your hat just yet. The Hubby's 50th is later this month and he's had a thing for the Good Humor truck his whole life. (Domt know why) his favorite movie is Office Space. If you get that truck and Crank that music outta those speakers....well, let's just say I would be the Golden Party wife. I'm counting on you. Don't make me run after you in all my tie dye sun dress! This post is hysterical! Hope your neighbors don't take you for a nutty butty now.

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    1. lol!! Love it...how fun would that be..! xo

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  3. Hilarious, thanks for all the visuals!

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  4. I have to add that I am glad he called, could have been worse!

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    1. Totally - I was glad he called even if I wanted to jump through the phone and slap him silly! ;)

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  5. Ok, call me slow, but... I just realized I hadn't read anything of yours for a few weeks... which led me to realizing I've lost you off my facebook. Did you simply ditch fb &the I missed it? It's my best way of keeping track of the blogs I enjoy!

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    1. Hi pj! You are not slow..lol!

      I am on a mental health hiatus from my FB page. I'll be back soon.

      xo
      DG

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  6. I am convinced that you are not nearly creepy enough to drive the ice cream truck (flapping boobs or not). Just in case you need to try a new strategy next year for rolling out delightful snacks...boxes of Hostess delights work too, and I hope that makes you want a Twinkie because now I need a darn popsicle!

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    1. lol!!! Darn it..my mouth is watering! xo

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  7. hahahaha I needed that laugh! Brilliantly funny and authentic!

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  8. I'm SOOO using the term boobloose again...my GOD you are freakin hilarious! You are just the cutest mom...and you always go above and beyond for those sweet boys. All of course when you weren't feeling well either. Love you, my friend!! xo

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  9. Let me know when you buy the truck. I call shotgun!
    Love you!!! Xoxo

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  10. LOL ! you rock !! I love reading your stories as a fellow boy mom I totally relate ! and love the ice cream truck idea... genius !!!

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  11. Good Gravy woman...I just read this (somehow I missed it before, my apologies). I too am stealing the term "boobloose" and I was just laughing so much my kids were telling me to stop because I was "interrupting their show". You are such an amazing mother to do this!!! LOVE IT, LOVE YOU!!!

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  12. LOL our ice cream truck driver is the 80 something grandpa of a couple of my friends from when we were kids... AND HE NEVER SEES MY KID WAITING PATIENTLY ON THE SIDEWALK grrr

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  13. OMG Can I just tell you that the mental picture of your running to the ice cream truck - with the mental bionic woman theme playing in my brain - is absolutely flippin' hilarious!! So...did ya get your Fudgesicle? lol

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  14. I love you for this. Not only does it show how great a mom you are, but also how human you are. Thanks for the giggles, I'm 5 days away from my daughters 6th birthday party and havent figured out how to get a real live baby pig there for her.. that we dont keep. Her theme is pink piggies. Ugh. Making cake and decorations from scratch is a nightmare right now. Maybe I can talk her into an ice cream smorgasbord to make up for it. Ps, I miss you on fb. But still hopeful we'll get you back =)

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  15. Boobloose and fancy free. Ha! The things we do for our kids. I bet all the kids had a blast and you really went above and beyond. When he's 13 and screaming about how you never do anything nice, you'll have to pull this post up for him. :-)

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  16. I would pay so much money to see you running down the street chasing that dude. And yes, will you please buy a truck and I will compensate you so well for doing my kids birthday parties. This is hysterical. YOU are hysterical. Gifted, really.

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  17. Hahahaha! I needed this laugh today!

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  18. let those boobies fly! you've got more important things to deal with to be restrained by a bra.

    still missing you...

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