Friday, June 22, 2012

Who Says "I've Got it Made in the Shade?"


(photo from 123RF.com/Google images)

Where did this phrase come from?  And have you noticed the phrase "it'll be a day at the beach" is not "it'll be a day at the beach with kids.." Sigh.  When going to the beach in the summer with children, who just sits in the shade reading a book and sipping a Pineapple Juice with an umbrella?  Clearly, not me.  Let's be clear, this is my blog - my humor blog...it's my place to vent.  I know I am beyond lucky, fortunate, etc to be able to live in an area of the US where we have a beach, and to be able to stay home with my kids.  That is not up for debate...I love my kids.  I do, however, hate sand with a passion.  Are we good? Let's move on.

It's summer.  Finally.  And despite me talking up a good game of getting myself bikini ready once again, na-ganna-happen.  Regardless, my children do not suffer fools - especially those on the Momecular Level.  They certainly don't care WHAT I look like in a bathing suit as long as I get my cottage cheese thighs down to the dock so they can swim.



Who, besides Hubs and the boys here, thinks it is just THAT easy to hit the beach?  Let me walk you through the steps it takes to get there - just for the sake of a fun Summer Story.

1. Determine that today is a beach day.  Lick finger, put it in sky - nice summer breeze, check.  A few clouds, check.  Bright summer sun, check.  OK - beach day.  Let's do this.  (Must be mentally prepared to endure the next several steps).

(photo of Woodie compliments of http://animatedtv.about.com/od/showsaz/fr/Good-Vibes.htm)

2.  Get everyone in their bathing suits and rash guard tops.  Check.

3.  Get me in a bathing suit.   Not so fast.  Please go to 3a and 3b.

      3a.  Determine mental health state; fat day?  Go with lightweight skort and tank top; do not attempt to   put bathing suit on or this will set estimated time of departure back 30 minutes due to self-image crisis.

3b. If mentally stable today, pick favorite go-to suit out of drawer.  Not so fast.  Check for inappropriate amount of leg hair.
  If YES; go to tub; do drive by shaving job, inevitably cutting shins.  Wait a few minutes for razor burn to appear.  Slather in lotion.  Wince as your legs burn from stinging of lotion.  Go from hairy legs to raised red bumps.  Get aggravated.  Clean up bathroom. Put bathing suit on. 

 If NO: (this never happens to me because I am Greek and always have a 5:00 shadow)...then aren't you a lucky girl?  Go put your bathing suit on and thank God you don't have to shave.
WHERE WERE WE?
(http://www.gillettevenus.ca/)
4.  Grab 5 towels out of dryer waiting to be folded from day before.  Smile as you think you got out of folding those 5 towels thinking you outsmarted the system.  Throw them over your shoulder and run downstairs.  Find all 3 kids playing with Legos and messing up the just-cleaned living room.  Shudder - look away.  Let them play as you work on step 5.

5.  Clean and cut several oranges, strawberries, apples, and other fruits.  Arrange them nicely in the cooler so nothing gets smashed.  Pour pitcher full of ice water.  Get cups, napkins, etc.  Fill up bag with Cheese-its, Pretzels, Granola Bars, etc.   Review contents of bag twice to ensure you haven't forgotten someone's favorite snack.  Remember to refer to the Summer food pyramid below: (thanks nickmom.com)

(photo from nickmom.com)

6.  Grab sunscreen, hats, cell phone, book (you still have the optimistic outlook that you will be able to read at least one paragraph, uninterrupted), etc.

7.  Tell everyone to get their sandals on.

8.  Get ready to walk out door.  Middle child announces he has to poop.  Remove everyone's sandals.  Ask if anyone else has to go to the bathroom.  No one.  Ok...minimal time wasted.  Proceed. 

9.  Wait.  Help Middle child back into bathing suit.  Get sandals back on.

10.  Youngest is not coming to garage.  Look around.  Call his name.  Go back in house.  See him removing HIS sandals.  He has to poop.  Repeat steps 8 and 9.

11.  Get everyone to beach.  Unpack.  Get towels set up on beach. AHHHHHHHH yes.

12.  Watch kids splash around joyfully for approximately 2.2 minutes.  See idea in youngest's face.  He runs toward you.  You know what's coming.  Slow, slurred, robotic murmurs leave his lips...i'm huuuungryyy.  He gets to bag before you do, unzipping with sand-hands, reaching in.  You are trying not to lose a boob from your bikini top as you lunge for the bag yelling (you too in slow robotic moans) NOOOOOOOOO! I'LL GET IIIIIITTTTTT!  But you are too late.  Sand in snack bag, strawberries smashed by ice packs, youngest crunching on sand-covered apples.



It's inevitable.  Either one of your kids or someone else's kid is going to mess with the sandcastle that one of your other kids built.  It's also inevitable that someone is going to eat sand. (Photo from Google Images)


13.  Middler sees out of corner of eye that youngest is eating.  Repeat step 12.

14.  Eldest sees what Middler and Youngest are eating.  Repeat step 12.

15.  Run out of snacks and drinks 10 minutes into trip.

16.  Eldest, who insisted he did not have to go to the bathroom, informs me that he cannot hold it any longer.

17.  Gather belongings...trudge to bathroom.  Wait for Eldest.  Wash Middler and Youngest as they are covered in sand from head to toe - and factor in the slimy sunscreen, they have a moist, crunchy exterior that resembles sludge.  (Mental Note:  Reapply more slime at beach headquarters.)

18.  Trudge back to beach.  Repeat steps 11-17 for the next 3 hours.

19.  Arrive home.  Try to minimize sand infestation.  Get kids in tub.  Unpack.  Clean up.  Start laundry.  Vacuum. 

20.  Collapse in chair, exhausted.  Youngest approaches.  "I'm bored.  What are we going to do now, Mom?"


If you've followed my blog for a while, you know how much I love this woman - I aspired to be a Cruise Director my entire childhood.  This, however, is not what I had in mind.   Oh well.  I love it anyways! (google images pic)

Shuffleboard on the Promenade, promptly at 4pm...because I'm your Cruise Director this Summer, and it is my job to entertain all of you.

Cheers!  And YES...I know I am absolutely blessed and fortunate to be able to be home with my kids! I love them all even though they drive me bonkers.  xo
~DG

Thanks to http://www.adriennehedger.com/  and nickmom.com for this brilliant cartoon:











8 comments:

  1. hahahahahaha Seriously, this is why I'm dreading and loving the idea of beach days this summer. *sigh* I think I"m just going to only do the beach in the early morning when the kids (and mama) are at their best.

    Very funny. Thanks for the laugh!

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  2. I didn't stop laughing, even with just one child I can relate 100%. Loving this blog!

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  3. I remember those days! 4 children... ohhhh those were the days! So glad that now when I want to go to the beach I say "I'm going to the beach, if you want to come you got 5 minutes to get in the car."

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  4. Sounds just like our trips but ours include a 2 hour drive with at least 3 bathroom and snack stops.

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  5. It is a priceless rite of passage, isn't it? At 12 and 15 I am in the midst of the nervous nelly phase of "why do they have to go out so far in the ocean" "who's under water?" and "gaaaaaaa! Did m teen son just see that barely there bathing suit go by?"

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  6. We hit the Lake today, which had a man-made beach of sand. Obviously designed by a childless man. Went through the same process and I'm sitting here, looking at the pile of beach towels and wet bathing suits mocking me. Can't lift arms to put them in the washer. Too tired from standing at the water's edge counting heads. All day, I counted a kid that wasn't even mine. As mine came wondering my way from a different direction, I realized my error. Oh well, it all worked out.

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  7. oh lord, this reminds me of going to the beach with my parents as a kid. YOu got it exactly right ! so damn funny.

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  8. I am with ya sister. Why do you think I live in Kansas? Not a beach in sight. I go to Hawaii and sit at the pool. I have only had the pleasure of taking my children to the beach once. It inspired an "I hate sand" post too, but it wasn't near as funny as this one. Hilarious!!

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