Monday

BlogHer 2012..I'll Be in the Bathroom If You Need Me.



BlogHer 2012. 
New York City.
Seemed like a great idea when I signed up.

Now, I'm panicking.  Why?  Why would I leave the comforting hug of my couch and my jammies for the most glamorous city in the US?  Because I want to learn something?  Partly.  Because deep down I want to be a better blogger? That too.  Because I am a mental self-flogger-blogger?  Yes. 

Remember the scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when Toula (Nia Vardalos) reflects on her growing up greek in grade school.  Flash to a chubby girl with sideburns and a moustache eating "Mouskaka."  Odd girl out...awkward and alone. This is the vision I get when I think of 4500 other bloggers flocking to the conference.  I'm nervous, afraid I'll get trampled, certain I'll lose my Conference Pass, not find a seat - or worse yet, go to sit down and someone will say..."sorry, this seat is taken.."  I also think of Milton from Office Space getting passed over repeatedly for cake.  Great - my self-image is a young Toula Portocalos peppered with Milton Waddams' bad office fortune.  I have these horrific images of me trying to quietly sneak into a session while ending up tripping on several laptop cords, ripping an entire row of computers off of their tables and the whole room stopping to watch me fall into someone's lap. "I'm ok!"  I picture myself saying as I pull my skirt out of my bloomers and smooth out the wrinkles. And as I get up and start walking, I notice the speaker giving a quick nod to security while pointing to me.  Why is the 12 year old chubby me surfacing in my thoughts about this conference?  I just don't know.


Milton:  "The ration of people to cake is too big!"  I'm thinking the ratio of bloggers to seats available is too big.  Like Milton, someone will probably say to me, "Yeahhh, if you could go ahead and take a spot in the Ladies' Room , that'd be greeeaaaat.  Mmmmkayyy?"

Therefore, I shall set up a blogging station in the comfort of the Ladies' Room at the hotel.  I will hand out towels to those who are done washing hands with a smile, I will rub the backs and hold the hair of anyone feeling like they need to vomit, I will make sure the soap remains filled and the toilet seats are clean.  During down time, I'll blog from in there and report whatever bathroom banter I overhear.

I realize that by the time I get to the hall, all of the freebies will be gone and there will be nothing left to prove that I was there except a rubber grip to open pickles that says, "I went to BlogHer and all I have to show for it is this Rubbergripper..."   I will be mistaken for the hotel help and people will start handing me trash saying, "be a dear and go throw this in the trash for me, kaaaay?"  (Flashback to the last big party I went to, when two older ladies were chatting and one said to the other that she'd like a glass of wine - the other pointed to me and said, "there - have the nice Mexican girl get some wine for you..") 

I have no sponsor, unlike the vast number of other bloggers I know.  I will carry around a canvas bag on my hip that says, "Had you sponsored me, your name would be on this bag.."   I am sponsorless, penniless, clueless and scared...so I'll be in the bathroom if you need me.


How sad.  I wish I would've thought to order this bag beforehand..perhaps I would've caught the eye of a future sponsor and scored a sympathy vote?

Honestly though.  Joking aside.  No matter if you are the most successful blogger in the world or you just started writing yesterday, don't we all panic the same?  We type, type, type something that we think is brilliant or poignant or funny or touching - we re-read, edit, change, fix, and then boom - the adrenaline hits when we finish.  Then, the second we hit publish we give a slow-motion, robotic, NOOOOOOOOO as a choking feeling takes over our throat region.

Something twitchy happens when we hit the publish button ...self -doubt, fear, the realization that maybe no one really cares what we have to say - or do they?  We do this little head game of fear and self-loathing mixed with hopeful promise that if just one person can relate to what we wrote (and comment with a heartfelt touching - "oh my god thank you for this..and here I thought I was the only one...") it will all make it worth the time and emotion we put into it.

So no matter how much I joke about being a day late and a dollar short to BlogHer (I arrive Friday afternoon, long after everyone has filled their bags with swag, their pockets with business cards, and their heads with more blogging knowledge than their brain can hold), I find solace in the known fact, that we all put our jeans on the same...one leg at a time...lying down...sucking our stomach in.  We all blog the same...fiercely, with passion, hope, confidence sprinkled in hints of self-doubt, but more than anything else...the love of writing.


I kid when I say I'll be in the bathroom.  I may be nervous or weary - but I am excited beyond reason - and so anxious to be in a room with people who 'get it' and share my love of expression.  Safe travels to all who are going - and please - if you see me in the bathroom - be sure to say hello.

Cheers & Happy Blogging,
~DG

35 comments:

  1. You just referenced one of my favorite movies with another that makes me laugh my ass off each time I see Fantastic and old ladies confusing anyone with dark hair as Mexican Help.
    I knew I'd love you.
    Let me know which stall you're in and I'll drag your ass out of there. And give you any of the free chocolate they try to give me (I'm allergic to it. A perk of being my friend).

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    1. As your friend, I will gladly give up whatever I am holding to hold your chocolate - don't want to have to stab you with an epi pen..! See you soon girlfriend! xo

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  2. "there - have the nice Mexican girl get some wine for you.." oh my god. I am DYING.

    Girl, I would be in the bathroom right there with you and then we would hold hands like two old ladies and walk out together. I think we are the same person.

    I sure do love you and you are going to knock everybody's socks off at Blog Her. they are all just as nervous as you are.

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    1. I would give most of my Kardashianlashes to have you there with me..and you know I love me some long lashes. I love you and thanks for the vote of confidence! xo

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  3. Take a deep breath, take a good look around, and remember that the other people at that conference are more like you any other group you have ever been in. You're right that they all share your love of expression and, just like you, most likely, all the other stuff (like being coordinated and ultra-sophisticated) just isn't all that important to their lives as well as yours (and mine!). You'll be fine and we'll all enjoy reading the wonderful details afterward. Either that or pick a different conference the next time - I went to a conference once for adults with ADHD (I are one) and THAT was a hoot!

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    1. Aww Carol - thanks for the encouragement! :)

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  4. Good luck & can't wait to hear about how awesome of a time you had and that everyone loved you!

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    1. Lisa how I admire your optimism girlfriend! Thanks so much! Cheers!

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  5. This was one of the best posts I have ever read anywhere!
    I wish I was going this year, but Inthink I am too new at the whole blogging thing to get a seat at the grown-ups table yet. But if I was going, I would so completely find you in the bathroom, because I would be hiding it there, too, and then we could go in together!
    You are going to love it! You are going to fit right it with everyone else there and have a blast..
    Next year will you come pull me put of the bathroom, please?
    Blog like crazy while you are there and have fun!

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    1. Oh how I wish you were going too..we could giggle like school girls in the ladies room! I appreciate your words so much - and YES I will look for you next year for sure! xo

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  6. Can"t wait to hear of your further adventures..pass the tp please.

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    1. Thanks Carrie Lynne! I will of course keep everyone updated!
      As far as the tp goes..in the words of Elaine Bennis from Seinfeld..
      "can't spare a square..."
      lol!
      Cheers!

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  7. You are no Toula and you are no washroom attendant. Sponser or not, you are fabulous and an inspiration. Rock BlogHer 2012 and have FUN. You've earned it! :)

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    1. Oh Sherrie you are too kind..thanks love.

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  8. Awwww, hunnayy! Lol kick those old self confidence cobwebs to the curb will ya! You are a terrific blogger and there ain't no reason a sponsor would make that any different! You are a true writer in your own right. So, own it! Have a great time at the conference and remember, you could be home with 3 boys instead? I don't know, that would be motivation enough for me to make sure I had a good time? LOL take care and stay the hell away from the bathroom unless the reason is because you had a bunch of margaritas baby! Have fun! Say hi to Jen! Heather from Boston...

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    1. Heather you are SO right I will absolutely enjoy every moment..me Milton and Toula all rolled into one! I will absolutely tell Jen hello. Thanks for posting love! xo

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    2. PS -- If BlogHer ever comes to Boston, I'm driving down and picking you up on the way!

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    3. You know it! I'm there with you in spirit. Can't wait tah hear all about it! You're gonna be pissah! Hehe ;0)

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  9. wish I could be there with you babe! You will have a ball!!!

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    1. Oh Nitty - you don't even know..of course if you were there, we'd never get to the conferences would we??? Maybe next time? Love & Hugs! xo

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  10. I considered BlogHer but the schedule read like stereo instructions!! I couldn't make any sense of them. Maybe next year, you can translate them for me.
    Totally jealous!! Have fun & tell us all about it!!

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    1. YES! I agree - the schedule is a little intimidating - another reason while I'll be in the bathroom! ;)

      I would love to make it easier for others to go next year so I'll be taking good notes. Thanks so much for your note! xo

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  11. This was a fabulous post! I've just recently started following you (though this is my first comment!), and I get a good laugh out of your wit. Keep it coming, and know that you make strangers laugh and root for you! You'll do great at BlogHer 2012, and maybe next year we'll see each other! I've just started blogging, so I'd be WAY out of my comfort zone and totally clueless this year.

    I look forward to your post AFTER the conference!

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    1. Shannon I can't tell you how great this post makes me feel..thank you! And though I think you'd do perfectly fine this year, I get it - so I will hope for next year to meet you!
      Thanks for the encouragement! xo

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  12. Dear DG,
    I wish I wasn't on vacation or I would be there to save you a seat!! Are you kidding me?? Just wear your moniker on your shirt and people are going to ask for your autograph! That, and more wine from the Mexican girl!!! If I go next year, will you hold my hand and save me a spot at lunch?

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    1. Oh Frugie - you are going to have so much fun on your vacay! xo
      Next year - for sure - I will hold your hand and I will get you more wine! Ole!

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  13. I have had the joy of reading your blog for several months. I think you are intelligent, witty, and so relatable. I know you will have a great time in NYC! Keep up the great work! Look forward to many great stories to come! Have fun!!!

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    1. Wow - thank you so much for the kind words..so appreciated!

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  14. I read this right after I nervously hit the "publish" button for my blog about that sexy subject, hemorrhoid surgery. Don't hang out in the bathroom, or you might find yourself channeling your inner teenager and take duck faced pictures of yourself in the mirror. Have a great time!

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    1. Oh Dyanne hope you are feeling better..I will be by to read all about it! ;)

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  15. I'm going too and I'm planning on being in the bathroom...I'll be the one in the second stall. I'll pass you some TP if you need it. ;) But seriously, you perfectly described how I'm feeling too - a mixture of terror and excitement! Also hi fivin' you for the "Office Space" reference! I have a feeling that once we get there and are among our people, all the nerves will melt away and we will breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy being in our element for a weekend. I hope I see you there - I still think your Star Wars post is the best I've ever read; wicked funny. And don't worry about missing out on the swag. I'll get an extra pickle jar rubber gripper thingie for ya!

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    1. Oh please please if you find me say hello! I'll be looking for you too..Cheers!

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  16. Great bag! I'll take one, please . . . Great to meet you at Blogher12. Enjoyed your post, and visiting your blog. Catch ya on twitter!

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