Saturday

Canadian Geese are Underachievers, too.


These underachieving water fowl barely make it over the Canadian/US border before they just give up here in New Hampshire.  And I can tell you, they aren't here for our tax- free shopping.  They are here because our motto is Live Free or Die while trying to drive all of us crazy with their stupid honking! (http://www.cartoonstock.com/)

I've had it.

No I mean I've seriously, really had it.

No more Mrs. Nice Blogger...  I'm going to use the word hate - and I'm going to mean it.

I HATE CANADIAN GEESE.  Or is it CANADA GEESE?  God forbid I call them by the wrong name!

There.  I said it - want to throw an egg at me?  Call me an animal hater?  You don't scare me.  I love animals.  I LOVE THEM.  Do you hear me?  I am an animal loverrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Canadian Geese are not animals.  They are some kind of demented, drunken prehistoric mutants that are indestructible and still lingering  loitering on this earth.  No.  I take that back - they are not lingering/loitering - they are planning to take over.


We live next to a park that is beautifully situated on the edge of a Lake that feeds into Winnipesaukee (you remember, from What About Bob?)  Anyhow.  What used to be a beautiful sandy beach that was open to the public is now overrun by these real life Angry Birds.  Why are they so pissed off all the time?  Because they fled Canada and are now here in the US where no one wants or respects them? Are they just angry being stuck here in New Hampshire when they really want to be in Florida but are too fat and lazy to get there? I don't know what they are so upset about all the time.  Actually, I have an idea - because they are absolute idiots...whether they are in a group - or is it gaggle - or flock -  of about 10 or 100, they never have a smart leader among them.  I know this.  How?  Because 5 out of 7 nights during most of the summer (spring and fall too for that matter), they fly over head at about 2 am HONKING as loud as they can, startling me out of my deep sleep and scaring the hell out of me.  THEN, about 10 minutes later, they come flying from that direction, backtracking and honking some more.  I can't help but wonder what they are honking about.


YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY YOU IDIOT!  HONK, HONK!

Lucy Goose in 3rd row back:  "GEORGE, THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT WAY..I'M TELLING YOU, WE SHOULD'VE TURNED RIGHT AT THE LAKE..."

Head Goose George:  "I HEARD THAT LUCY, AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE'RE GOING AND DON'T NEED OR APPRECIATE A BACKSEAT HONKER SO SHUT YOUR BEAKER.."

(In Unison) Geese in rows 2, 4, 6, 7 and 10:  "This is NOT the right way..we're lost.  Turn around!"

Goose in 8th row:  "Look kids, Big Ben, Parliament.."  Repeat twice. (National Lampoon's EuroVaca Reference)

Kiddie Geese (Rolling Eyes): "We know.....Big Ben..."

Lucy Goose in 3rd row back:  "GEORGE...GEORGE...DAMMIT I SAID, YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!"

10 minutes later, backtracking:
Lucy Goosey:  "YOU SHOULD'VE LISTENED TO ME, GEORGE!"
HONK &^%$ HONK%$#@ HONK&^%$ HONK HONK HONK.

So I decided to go for a walk at the track next to the park and unfortunately I have to walk through the park to get there.  Lovely.  I have to go through not only the mine field of Canadian Geese poop but also deal with their attitudes as they have an issue with me passing through their turf.  They're like a bad gang in a run down neighborhood with their head cocked to one side looking at me like I'm an intruder and they're about to do a drive by pecking on me. 


Isn't it bad enough we have to walk with purpose through a park to stay safe and  aware of our surroundings? Now we have to walk defensively to avoid an attack by these guys? (dailyhaha.com)

"HONK HONK."  screams one of them from behind the tree, scaring the crap out of me and causing me to let out a scream.  Oh that pisses them off.  They feel threatened anytime someone makes a noise or makes eye contact so they start running toward me.

"SHIT!"  I yell...and my lovely walk turns into a panic-stricken run through the park, causing me to step in numerous dark green cigar bombs.  They honk me into the parking lot and I just about run into a damn car trying to avoid them.  One of them, their fearless idiot leader, stops in his tracks just as he steps in  the parking lot and sees what I can only assume is his reflection in the shiny door of a car and starts  a fight with the it, poking the crap out of it with its beak.  I am now standing in the parking lot, in awe, of how stupid this bird is.  He keeps pecking at it over and over again so I run toward him this time, yelling at the top of my lungs.  (My neighbors must think I have lost my damn mind).  He does some crazy neck move at me like he's about to pull a Karate Kid -Sweep-the-Leg move on me and doesn't back down.  There we are in the parking lot - me and George. I'm now having a conversation with him asking him if he wants to throw down.  I am feeling bold and angry and I'm ready to take him to school for all those nights where I finally fell asleep and he and his minions disturbed my slumber.  "You wanna go?  You wanna piece of me?  Because I am bloated, PMSy and I am looking for a reason, buddy"  I say to him while pounding my chest like a cavewoman.


Oh no you didn't!  Stop getting all up in my face you stupid jerk!

 "HONK HONK."  He's taunting me.  And I think he is falsely encouraged by his backup image in the car reflection.  "That's your reflection you idiot...he's not going to help you."  I yell at him.  And then I channeled my inner Katherine Hepburn in On Golden Pond and gave him my Loon call.  He took off running and didn't look back.  I embarrassed him in front of all of his gaggly gang and they honked at him as he got back into the water with his Canadian tail between his webbed feet.

Mini Victory.  DG 1  George 0.

The truth is though, they're winning.  We had more beach closings last year because of bacteria than we actually had days open.  They have pooped so much and infiltrated the beaches so terribly that it's become a real problem.  They are vicious and defensive and they walk around like they are drunk and disorderly.  They are protected, too, so you can't do anything to them.


Ahhh...swimming in feces...lovely.

I'd like to say I've made peace with my new neighbors, but I haven't.  I've taken to studying up on how to piss them off so I thought I'd share a few tips with you if you are experiencing this problem, too.

First of all, confronting them and having a chat like I did, is not wise.  I am lucky I didn't get pecked to the point of scarring on my legs.  They are nasty little jerks.  I did, however, find humor and solace in my come -to- Jesus with George.  I showed him who's boss - but things could've gone the other way and I know that.  I could've been found pecked beyond recognition by my worried husband when I didn't come home from my walk.  I can see the whole gaggle passing me around the dinner table and having a laugh or two.  And then she said to me "you don't scare me..you stupid bird!  And that's when I poked her eye out!"


Ummm...hello? City Councilmen...GEESE CAN'T READ!!

Canadian geese do not like to congregate UNDER anything hovering over them for some reason.  It's a proven fact that they hate balloons.  (See - what kind of jerk hates balloons?)  They say to fill balloons with helium and tie them to fishing line in the area where they congregate and the balloons will keep geese from feeding and resting on lawns.

With the huge population of geese here at the park, I need UP-like quantities of balloons at the beach!

Believe it or not, several towns use Grape Kool-Aid on its lawn areas. Apparently, there is a chemical (actually I think it's grape extract of some form, but whatever..same difference...) in it that deters the geese and makes the grass less tasty. I am thinking it was that same chemical that made some of the people I went to school with that drank way too much Grape Kool-Aid act a little crazy - not sure though.  (Yay! More poison in our beverages!)  Regardless, I can't imagine making a huge pitcher of Grape Kool Aid and pouring it all over my lawn. Super - so I've gotten rid of the geese, and now I have a huge ant infestation. 

Thank goodness It is caffeine free AND infused with Vitamin C to offset the nasty chemical that geese hate to ingest.

Since owls are a predator to geese, owl decoys tend to be work well.  Also, reference sites will tell you dead geese decoys are a deterrent because the geese see the dead decoy and think, "hmm, that doesn't seem like a good sign if Bill over there is dead."  Personally, I think those reference sites give the CG's too much credit - and second of all, who is going to go out and BUY a dead goose decoy to put in their yard?  Not I said DG.  

 
 Look, I know they are creatures of this planet and that's cool and whatever, but can't they go poop somewhere else instead of our beautiful lakes and rivers?  Who wants a nasty case of duck itch from their bacteria they leave behind everywhere they go?  It's no fun to try to go for a nice walk and have to deal with their nasty attitudes and honking everytime we turn around! 

My kids are finally sleeping through the night - why can't I???  Damn you George.

Annoyed,
DG

11 comments:

  1. That was one of the funniest things I have read in awhile. Thanks for the morning laugh! Lol

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  2. Food for thought....you only get in trouble for 'dealing' with this protected species if you get caught!! Lol....just saying......pass the meat platter please *chuckle*

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  3. My mom was on the way home a few years ago and one of them flew into her windshield. We were fortunate that the impact was on the passenger side or she would have been seriously injured. The bird died, my parents had to remove the bird and they were still finding feathers 2 weeks later! They are awful!! Be careful out there!

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  4. My mom was on the way home a few years ago and one of them flew into her windshield. We were fortunate that the impact was on the passenger side or she would have been seriously injured. The bird died, my parents had to remove the bird and they were still finding feathers 2 weeks later! They are awful!! Be careful out there!

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  5. So swimming in a lake of grape kook aid sounds pretty good! Best of luck to you, as I will be here battling barn swallows...with we could have a feathered show down

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  6. I'm in tears laughing! This post made me remember a news story I saw last spring when I was visiting my parents. Check out this lady...maybe you need to hire her!

    http://fox2now.com/2012/03/15/companies-using-dogs-to-scare-geese-away/

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  7. "How'd you know they were Canadian geese?"
    "Because they threw donuts at me and called me a hoser."

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  8. Love this, DG! My parents have the same problem with them on Lake Taneycomo in Branson. They thought they were kind of cute when they bought their house 25 years ago, but that all ended when the goose couple that was hanging around brought in all their friends and they all proceeded to rip up grass blades by the roots, build nests, and crap all over the yard, sidewalk, dock and boat. Nasty, nasty creatures! By the way, don't EVER hiss at them. Just trust me....

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  9. That was awesome! I was crying/laughing so hard while trying to read it outloud to my husband that I had to stop several times. Good luck!!!

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  10. We have geese that nest in a small pond near our house, which I am forced to drive by to get anywhere. When the geese are out with their babies, I always slow way down, and try to drive on the other side of the road so I don't startle the babies or upset the parents. This spring, my husband was driving, and we saw the geese. As he slowed down one of the geese started hissing at us and running at our car (This has happened before, they usually tick the bumper and move on.) However, this one decided to fly at the passenger window and hit it full chest. OMG, I was over on my husbands lap so fast!!!! Now whenever we see geese out, I make everyone roll their windows up.

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  11. Yes, I always thought it would be nice to live on the edge of a lake or pond. NOT ANY MORE. They are a winged menace! How about sending a dog on over there a couple times a day to chase them off?

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