For me, it's more like Eat. Pay. Loathe. Eat the food, pay for it with regret, loathe myself for the rest of the day.
|My friend over at Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva posted an Erma Bombeck quote about women who passed on dessert on the Titanic - and it struck me as just very powerful.|
A quote from the movie Eat Pray Love says it brilliantly:
Liz: I’m so tired of saying no, and waking up in the morning and recalling everything I ate the day before – counting every calorie I consumed so I know exactly how much self-loathing to take into the shower. I’m going for it. I have no interest in being obese, I’m just through with the guilt. So, here’s what we’re going to do: we’re going to finish this pizza, and tomorrow, we’re going to buy ourselves some bigger jeans.
As someone who has struggled with
I've recently experienced a four week bout of Vertigo. With three kids home on summer break, I had to push through this absolutely debilitating condition with a brave face and a smile. Turns out, I had a virus that settled in my inner ear causing a buildup of fluid - bringing with it unbalance and dizziness. The medicine I was on made me so tired and blurry, everything - and I mean everything took effort. Finally, when I was put on the right medicine to clear my ear up, slowly but surely I started to think clearer because I wasn't constantly fighting the pain and drowsiness. I thought a lot during those weeks. I didn't know why I had vertigo - and I searched high and low for a cure - but I searched even harder for a cause. I knew I wasn't taking care of myself, I knew I wasn't balancing my need for rest while managing my responsibilities to this family. I thought about my health, how I constantly took it for granted. I thought about others. Their pain. People who are sick, suffering, chronically ill, struggling with daily life - I had a new sensitivity for them. Truly, we take our health for granted. So why, why would I keep mentally beating myself up over food, body image, the lack of perfection - when perfection is impossible to achieve - and health is such a brilliant second to that.
Now that I am better, I feel like being healthy is being beautiful. Now that I wake up in the morning feeling amazing instead of fighting the urge to vomit from being dizzy the second I open my eyes, I no longer take inventory of the things I ate the night before while watching a little tv with Hubs. I no longer start my day with hating myself for enjoying a bowl of ice cream after a long summer day with the boys. Why - why did I do this for so many years? Why was I everyone's friend, reliable, caring and kind - and to myself I was cruel, condescending and mentally abusive? I cringe when I think about how I treated myself. How I constantly told myself I didn't deserve a plate of fries because I didn't walk 3 miles in the morning - or I didn't earn the right to run to the ice cream truck while laughing alongside my kids. I was no better than a burglar - robbing my own self of life's simple pleasures - whether it be food, or not - there was always a checks and balances tally in my head. Should I? Shouldn't I ? Can I ? Can't I? Exhausting.
I am done with guilt. I am done with self-loathing. I am done with wishing I was something else. Please get me out of this and get me healthy and no worse for wear, and I will stop this madness.
When I was 20 years old, I had to leave college due to an awful illness called Pseudotumor Cerebri. A debilitating condition that causes one to have horrible headaches - all day long, every day for months until a course of medical treatment is run. The main cause of this illness? Obesity in young women. Would I have considered myself at 20 years old, 20 pounds overweight obese? Probably not - I was a fluke/freak of medical nature. My neurologist even told me he's never seen anyone 'this small' - probably meaning 'not obese' be afflicted with this illness. I nearly lost my vision - had I not gone to the hospital when I did, I would be blind today. How does one come out of an illness that strikes 'obese women' and not be mentally screwed up for a long time? I am not sure. I'd struggled for so many years by not fitting in to the Cindy Crawford- model look that I was already screwed up when I got sick. I failed to be my own best friend. I failed myself. I was too busy being a friend to people, I forgot about me. Fast forward many years, and I followed the same pattern. I got too busy being a mother to my children, a wife to my husband, a volunteer to those in need, a friend to many during these trying times, I neglected myself. How could I possibly be a true friend to others when I was such a shitty friend to myself?
I had a come to Jesus with me, myself and I during the past month when I was unwell. I said - time to give yourself a break. Taking care of your own needs (and feelings) is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself and those around you. Maybe you think caring for yourself is selfish - that's bullshit - why would you think everyone else matters but you? You matter. You absolutely do. Your health, both mental and physical matters - if you don't have that, everything else will fail. Your family needs you - but they need you to be healthy, happy, and present. Time to live. Enough of the self-loathing, and not enough self-promoting. If you don't promote yourself who will???
This past week, where I have finally been back to me, back to feeling 120% healthy both physically and mentally, I have been happier than I have been in years. I have been finding 30 minutes a day to walk - but with the idea that I am not doing it to exercise, but more as a peaceful time to think and meditate. No music, no audiobooks, nothing in my ears but my thoughts, the birds, and the sound of grass and gravel under my feet. I quiet the voices in my head and I tell them, if you want to talk, keep it peaceful, positive and nurturing. They nod in quiet understanding and I have found comfort in the silence and peace in my interior self. The beautiful weather helps, it's hard not to find comfort in the blue sky with billowy white clouds. Finally, I'm here in the moment, finally, I'm appreciating me and finding peace and love in myself, through my thoughts.
I leave you with one more quote from Eat Pray Love that I think is brilliant - especially being someone who took way too long to pick out her clothes every day from a closet full of, what I always called, 'nothing to wear.'
“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.” Liz, Eat Pray Love
Cheers to a healthy, happy, you...and to learning to be your own best friend,