|Seriously Costume Express...cut the shit. Stop sending Halloween catalogs in June.|
Back to my children. They are fighting over the magazine on a hot summer day.
"LET MEEEEEEEE SEEEE....I CAN'T SEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"THAT'S NOT FAIR, HE'S HOGGING IT..."
"I WANNA BE WOLVERINE..IT COMES WITH SHARP CLAWS!"
"I WANNA BE WOLVERINE! I NEED THE SHARP CLAWS!"
Blood pressure rising.
"No one is going to be Wolverine. And the Claws are sold separately, just so you know." I'm hip to the game after 12 years of Costume Express shenanigans.
Children silently deflate into soggy, spineless sad sacks.
|It appears as if Wolverine himself clawed his way through the catalog (*Keep in mind it did cost him $16.99 plus shipping to have the claws to do so!)|
Here's the thing about Costume Express. They are overpriced, shitty, barely -sewn- together polyester-y -thin costumes that will last approximately 1.5 hours of door to door candy solicitations. (Sidenote: New England weather on Halloween can be really cold - so you'll have to wear six layers underneath your polyester!) They RARELY come with everything seen in the photo, and these poor little preschoolers who can't read yet don't understand the fine print. Hell, we as parents barely understand it. Speaking of fine print, you know the awesome $20 off coupon on the back page of the catalog that takes up 1/4 of the page in RED? Sorry, It's off of $100 or more and it expires September 3 - so forget about all of the back to school mania you are involved in - you'd best be thinking ahead a couple of months and order those costumes so you can get the discount! Why the long face? Is it because you know your children so well by now that you are quite aware of the one HUGE problem with this scenario (besides the obvious that you'll never remember to get your order in by September 3)....THEY WILL CHANGE THEIR MIND 10 TIMES BEFORE HALLOWEEN! But worry not, their return policy states that they gladly accept UNOPENED costumes for a return, and OPENED costumes as an exchange for another within 14 days following FIVE easy steps.
As I finish the above rant, I should add, that I've not only purchased many costumes from them, I've also purchased the birthday supplies as well and they have provided MANY happy memories and fun-themed parties and Halloween outings. I should own stock in them by now. They've had me by the mommy parts for years now, but I've smartened up. The days just after Halloween, I go to Wal-Mart and Target and buy whatever costumes I can find that the boys would like for 70-90% off and put them away for the following year. It worked well for me for a while when they were too little to know the difference. Now there is nothing quite like the guilt of knowing that your child REALLY wants to be the DELUXE Bumblebee 3-D 2-piece costume for $49.99 that needs the Bumblebee gloves for $6.99, the Missile Launcher for $14.99 and don't forget the Treat Sack to match for a cool $5.99. Oh but wait, that comes to under $100, so sorry - you don't get the discount of $20 off. Suddenly, my $3.00 Wal-Mart version of Bumblebee is pathetic and dull and I have a sudden overwhelming feeling that my poor child is going to be the only one who didn't get the costume he wanted. So I do like many other moms and scramble 3 nights before Halloween to find an emergency compromise and make him wear the Wal-Mart version and order him the Missile Launcher as an accessory and pay more for express shipping than I would've if I had just bought it in August like they suggested. Well played, Costume Express. You teach me valuable life mommy lessons every damn year. I shake my fist at you in frustration. 'Why you no' send the catalog earlier next year. Perhaps I can order costumes at Christmas instead?
|Thanks, Costume Express, for making my bargain Bumblebee look like an insect next to your Deluxe costume. 'Why you no' go one step further next year and make it turn into a Camaro that promises to drive the kids around house to house?|
Last year, I bought Iron Man on clearance just knowing that he's one guy that never goes out of style in the eyes of my boys. I tucked it away thinking I had scored one for the good guys at a mere $4.99 after Halloween. It looked decent - it would do the trick. First thing the boys notice when they are done playing tug of war with the magazine...."The NEW Avengers Iron Man Mark VII Light-Up"
What the Sam Hell?
"The most high-tech armor Tony Stark has engineered.." (wait, you mean Wal-mart's version wasn't designed by Tony? You mean that tissue thin, skin-like fabric isn't enough armor to please the Avengers?)
2 Piece costume - $44.99
Deluxe Iron Man Gloves - $9.99
Glow Wand (because Iron Man isn't bad ass enough without a wand) - $5.99
Boots (BOOTS? WTH?) - $29.99 THIRTY DOLLAR BOOTS. (and you know those boots are NOT made for walking, and your child will be complaining by block 2.)
Total Iron Man Deluxe Price = $90.96
We're sorry, your order still doesn't qualify for the discount. Would you like to add more items to your cart to get to $100?
|Don't forget to add on the red Iron Man boots for $29.99, because you will definitely get a lot of wear out of those. (Banging my head against wall...)|
NO. I do not want more items. I do not want to place this order. Back to the Walmart version - and another compromise - the Iron Man noise-making gloves at Walmart for $9.99. There, everyone is happy.
One problem. It's only August 22. We have 70 more days and at least 5 more mind changes until Halloween. Costume Express 3, Mommy - 0.
Happy Halloween...errr...I mean..Happy end-of-August,
PS ! Moms of girls - please, indulge me...what do girls go bonkers over for costumes? Or is this a boy thing?
One final note - this is me and my brother. Sadly, I am Grape-Ape. My brother is a much cooler Steve Austin (Bionic Man). Talk about cheap ass costumes? This was 1977. Ahh good times.