Tuesday

I'm a Hazard to Myself Part 2...



The other day, I read that Self-Deprecating Humor is a thing of the past and that bloggers should stop the nonsense.  Is it really?  Then I am washed up!  I tend to provide all of my blog material from the crazy stuff that happens to me in my daily life.  If is not in style anymore to write about my follies - what in the hell would I write about??



Haven't seen me for a while have you?

Things have been a bit crazy around here to be honest.  We went to Ohio to visit my parents, then I went to NYC to the BlogHer conference, and then, this past weekend, Hubs and I took a MUCH needed trip away with another couple to the MGM Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut while my mom stayed with the kids.  For the record, the last time he and I went away together was one night in February 2011 - that's a longgg time to not get away alone.  It may appear that I am a jet setter but when you factor in that I have only been out of the house a dozen times in 5 years, it's not that impressive.

You know how much I love casinos.  Besides my coffee addiction, this is my only other vice that I admittedly know I am obsessed with and get a natural high from.  You also know, I don't get out much.  I stay at home with the three boys, as their beckon call girl. I am also an old world traditional Greek wife who has dinner on the table 5 nights a week, slaving to make sure everyone is taken care of - including myself - last.  So just to recap, in case you are a new reader - I've been out a handful of times in 2012; one was a Norwex cleaning party where I had to fight food poisoning with every inch of my womanhood (and nearly lost), another was a girls weekend in Boston where I did everything in my power to either knock myself out or get knocked out with a cab door, a blissful time in NYC where believe it or not, besides being starstruck by other brilliantly funny bloggers, I did no harm to myself or anyone around me, and finally this past weekend's story to come.  The only conclusion one can draw from reading my stories is that I should not leave the comforts of the one mile radius of my home.  It's just too....dangerous.

We arrived with our friends on Sunday.  I was so beyond excited I didn't eat breakfast.  Dumb. I know.  I had a coffee before we got on the road.  Almost 3 hours later, we arrived at Foxwoods, and the adrenaline soared through my veins as my fingers started twitching with the idea of playing the slots.  The cool air hit me right in the face as we walked in from the steamy hot, humid Connecticut weather.  We were hungry so we hit Junior's (modeled off of a Brooklyn diner) for lunch.  I ordered another coffee - only these coffees were like soup bowls, designed to keep you awake, alert and energized for a day full of gambling.  I also had a huge lunch that could choke the average bear - but I really was hungry - and the food was absolutely delicious.  After lunch, we headed in for some play.  I watched a woman win $15,000 right before my eyes, giving me the false sense of hope that I, too, could be that lucky.  And why not me, right?


Things I love:  1. My Family 2.  My Friends 3.  Slot Machines  4.  Coffee  5.  Coffee/Slot Machines Together

We played and played - we did pretty well!  The boys took off for some golf.  We were enjoying the thrill of the slots, playing with our winnings.  We even managed to get to the spa for a lovely pedicure and some down time, enjoying every minute of kid-free, adult time and conversation.  Later that night we had an amazing dinner at Cedar's Steak House and I didn't have to cut anyone's meat, mumble under my breath to stop blowing bubbles in milk, or tell anyone to get up from underneath the table.  It was glorious.  What did I have to drink with dinner you ask?  A Lemondrop Martini laced with sugar crystals that was almost too pretty to drink.  After a filling dinner, I wasn't up for dessert, but instead, had what?  A coffee.  Are you seeing a theme here?  No water. Ever.  (Hitting my head with my fist).


At dinner.  Dehydrating as this photo was taken.

Monday morning comes.  We're up early.  The boys decide to conquer the golf course again, leaving us girls to our morning coffee.  We get danishes and a large coffee.  But this large was like an extra large - more coffee than I need ever drink in a week.  But it's soothing, and delicious and I'm game for splurging on everything this weekend.  We take our coffees outside to the magnificent pool at the hotel.  The sun is shining brightly through the gorgeous blue sky and we are comfy cozy on the lush lounge chairs.  We chat away, uninterrupted about everything from clothing to exercise, to kids to gambling, to food.  Time flies by, and the sun is causing my black hair to feel about 200 degrees all of a sudden.  It's getting hot.  Really hot.  I look down and realize that I have consumed the entire coffee during our poolside chat.  It was a bit surprising to even me, the coffee lover that I managed to throw that whole thing back.  We decide to hit the slots one more time before the boys are done gambling.

We sigh pleasantly as we walk into the frigid casino area.  My temperature immediately goes from steaming hot to icy cold in a matter of minutes.  We sit down at machines side by side, trying to contain our excitement and anticipation, when all of a sudden, I feel...funny.  Not funny ha ha...funny bad.  I panic.  I look at my girlfriend and she gazes into the payline of her slot machine hitting mini payouts here and there.

 "I feel really..weird all of a sudden.."

She looks at me with concern.  The sheer will for me to keep hitting BET MAX on my slot machine is being overridden by my heart palpitations and shaky hands.  She looks back at me and does a double take with the fear of God in her eyes.

"Oh my god, you are sweating like crazy!"  she says.

 I try to snap out of it and notice pools of sweat pouring off of my arms, legs, face, neck.  I am Reuben from Along Came Polly.  I am Annie (Kristen Wiig) from Bridesmaids.  I am going to literally drown in a pool of my own perspiration.  I ask her to walk me over to one of the comfy benches at another slot machine.  My legs are shaking and I'm weak.  No damn water.  I haven't had a drop of water in 2 days.  Am I a complete idiot? Apparently, at 39 years old, yes.  Yes I am. 


Picture my friend and I having a scene much like this one...from the movie Bridesmaids.

Next thing I know, the EMT's are headed toward me after my girlfriend informed security standing nearby that I may be taking a nose dive at any minute.  The EMT was a lovely man.  He sat down next to me on the bench and tried to remain composed as he said, "you're ummm...sweating pretty profusely there so let's get some of your vitals."  He asked me what I had for breakfast....I answered a very large coffee and a danish.  He answered, "not a great start to the day.."  (He was judging me in the most kind and concerned way).  He asked me what I had for dinner the previous night...I answered a NY Strip Steak.  Again, no water anywhere in sight.  He began to slightly lecture me on how the casino brings out the worst in people, it isn't a healthy environment, it causes people to make bad choices, etc.  Is it wrong that while he was lecturing me, I was wondering if I could just slide a $20 bill into the slot machine until he was done checking me out?  I was losing precious gambling time.  Yes, I get it - it is a sickness.  I got wrapped up into not having to worry about anyone, and apparently, I forgot to worry about myself.  I am not the spring chicken that I used to be and thought I still was.

After about 10 minutes of him chatting with me and asking me questions, I realized that the sweating stopped, leaving me with a sopping wet shirt and capris.  (I may or may not have thought pound-wise how much weight I lost).  He asked me if I wanted to go to the emergency room, I politely declined.  I then had to sign my life away saying I declined to go to the hospital.  They did, however, give me a ride via wheelchair (extra-extra large wheelchair I might add...that one could've fit three people in it..).  He continued his lecture on why the casino environment brings out the worst in people.  I get it, I get it.  It's a simple math problem:

Coffee +  Sun + Second Hand Casino Smoke + Slot Machine Mania/Addiction - Water = Syncope or Near Syncope

I am a simple girl.  I have a less-than-frilly lifestyle.  I consider myself rather low maintenance for a woman (Hubs would agree to that).  So I like gambling..so what.  So I love me some coffee...go figure.  So I forgot how to take care of the basic needs of my existence..ok there's a lesson there.  I'll drink water next time.  I will.  I promise.  The tragedy of this situation is not that I almost fell over in the casino, it's that I missed out on what could've been the big jackpot of the day.  Spoken like a true gambling addict.

Until next time, I'm in the safe confines of my home, drinking lots of water.

Stay hydrated my friends...
~DG

PS - This post is dedicated to my friend CM, who watched me wilt before her eyes and didn't panic.  She and I took our friendship to the next level over the weekend.  xo

12 comments:

  1. I'm so happy knowing I'm not alone when it comes to losing my mind/priorities/needs over slot machines. This cracked me up - and though I did feel sorry for you, I felt even worse knowing you lost precious gambling time. :) Glad you can laugh about it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amazing isn't it? You could sit down and not need to pee/eat/drink/move for hours on end..I always crack up at the old ladies who are literally glued to their seat at a hot machine for HOURS. Ahh the joys of slots! xo

      Delete
  2. Oh my gosh, you poor thing! I'm glad you're back and I promise to bring you water whenever you need it :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And you were wondering where I have been...lol!!! You are so good! xo

      Delete
  3. JEeez!! I don't drink water nearly enough either, to be honest, but that's scary! Glad you're ok!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let me serve a gentle reminder. Hydrate. :)

      Delete
  4. Omg, this cracked me up...not bc of what happened to u, but bc the same thing happened to me TWICE!! 1st time I was 17 & in a casino in Argentina, it was hot, smoky, crowded, & i just passed out. As i was falling to the ground, my gambling aunt is telling my sister to just take me outside that I would be fine. She continued playing at the roulette table. Lol, I woke up in a wheelchair a few min later which was quite embarrassing. My aunt continued playing roulette and me & my sis left to get ice cream to feel better :)
    2nd time was the beach in Jamaica, too many Dirty Bananas & no water is a no-no. Everything got hazy & my husband called for help. I was scolded for not drinking enough (or any!!) water in the hot Jamaican sun.
    Anyway, u crack me up, great blog. I live in queens, NY & am srrounded by Greeks, haha. U all crack me up :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG seriously??? You just made my day. We are sisters. xo

      Delete
  5. OH dear GOD woman!!! Do I have to hold your hand?? Has Katy at IWADB not taught you anything about hydrating??
    A water WITH the lemon drop. A water WITH the ginormous coffee. You have a to pee at least once an hour. Then you know you're doing it right.
    Okay, I'm done scolding you.
    Oh, and the above about blogging being over the self-deprecating thing. Uh, NO! Hell to that NO. Where would I be without making fun of myself??

    ReplyDelete
  6. You are a lucky girl. Had that been me, I'd have passed out, split my head, and been soaked not just in sweat but blood too. But then I'd have been drunk, not just cafinated, so it would have been all good.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh dear! How did you not have a headache to get things rolling!?

    Oh, and no self-depracating humor?!?! Tragic!

    ReplyDelete
  8. No idea what it's like inside a casino, never been there, but I dó know what it's like to forget to drink water. When I'm working, I hardly have/take time to drink, even though I tell the kids in class to drink as much as they want. Not practicing what I'm preaching, I guess. At home it's the same when I'm crafting. My hands are so busy all the time, they have no time to reach a glass of water (and drinking purple spray ink leaves such a mark on the tongue, it's just not pretty).
    Maybe your blog will remind me to drink better, especially next week when it's hot outside and the schools start again.

    ReplyDelete

Support random acts of kindness and leave me a nice comment..it totally counts as a good deed.