The very hilarious, Ninja Mom, started this cool party over at her bloghouse. It's called the Character Assassination Carousel, and it allows bloggers to deconstruct and assault a piece of obnoxious children's literature that had it coming to them. (Here's a good spot for my disclaimer..I keep it pretty light and funny on my blog here - and I will readily admit before I rip this book to shreds as duty calls me to , I have gotten many laughs with my kids reading this book to them..that being said, I have to roast it today..I owe it to my blogger friends on the carousel to do it!) Before I forget to say it, "I'll Love You Forever" clearly got the most votes for book you most wanted to drop off at a book drive - however, the hilarious blogger Kristine over at Wait in the Van already knocked that one off a while back - check it out here http://www.waitinthevan.com/2011/02/character-assassination-carousel-love.html.
Anyway, there have been many other very funny character assassinations of some of the most annoying, aggravating children's books by other bloggers on Ninja's Carousel so be sure to pop over there to look for your personal favorite. My readers mentioned most of the ones done before, including the book featured previously on the carousel called "Junie B. Jones." Tall Curly Biscuit writes, "...worst of all, she uses terrible grammar. Every time we used to read a Junie B. Jones book, I had to stop every 5 lines or so to correct her grammar. Here’s an example of Junie’s narration: “Then she quick handed me the jar. And she runned right out of the room.” Be sure to check out Angela from Tall Curly Biscuit for the rest of her critique of Junie B. Jones! http://www.tallcurlybiscuit.com/2012/09/assassination-of-junie-b-jones
This week, we are going to tackle the ignorance of these pet owners who can barely parent their own children let alone take care of an intestinally-challenged dog...also known as Walter the Farting Dog.
|What could the lesson possibly be about this book? "Hey kids, if your pet isn't perfect, your dad can take him back to the pound..." FAIL!|
'Warning: This book may cause flatulence..'
"Too much farting for me, but then again, I'm not a ten year old boy..."
"The illustrations creep me out.."
"Farting: My kids favorite F word..."
We start at the beginning of the book - which has an inscription from my sister-n-law to my 3 boys... "Dear Little Men, I saw this book and immediately thought of you all. I'm sure you'll find it very funny...Enjoy! Love, ....." Ahhh yes. Because with 3 boys and a husband, we don't spend enough of our days talking and laughing about farts, now we can read this story to end our days. Thank you Auntie!
Moving along with the story. We begin with Betty and Billy who bring Walter home from the dog pound by themselves. Their mother, who apparently didn't go with them to sign for this adoption, since they are clearly underage and shouldn't have been able to do so without consenting guardians, immediately complains about his stink. If she would've gotten off of her ass and gone to the pound with them, she would know that all shelters stink in one way or another, and unless she thought her kids would stop at Barking Bubbles for a quick Bath on the way home from the pound, why is she so surprised that he smells awful?? She suggests they give him a bath. BLATANT PARENT FAIL #1
Maybe it's my OCD kicking in, but I wouldn't trust the two little ones in my bathroom to give a new dog a bath. Between the splashing and the soap they would turn my bathroom into a mud puddle that I would have to clean from top to bottom with scrubbing bubbles and I just couldn't deal with that. I digress. Mother walks in yet again to the bathtub scene and complains about his stench. Sure enough, Walter starts with the tiny fart bubbles in the tub and Mother pulls out a can of "Fart Buster" room spray. Apparently Bath and Body doesn't carry this line of room fragrance yet? This is when we learn that Walter is not nervous at all - he is Farty By Nature.
No matter what he did, Walter farted. Every room, every event, every hour, every day.
Enter Father. The creepy illustrations show father as a slightly overweight, spectacle-wearing, ball cap to the side sportin' goofball with a cat on his head. He makes the obvious statement that Walter farts "morning, noon and night.." Then he tells the kids to "take him to the vet.." I love how these parents expect Betty and Billy to do everything. BLATANT PARENT FAIL #2
They take him to the vet only to find an illustration of the vet with a magnifying glass inspecting Walters junkular region that is inappropriately too close for my comfort. As if that isn't bad enough, there is a drawn puff of gas headed to the vet's eye that makes my eyes water every time I have to read this.
This Quack of a Vet prescribes a 'change in diet..' Now one can only assume that because the children are the ones who were at the vet receiving instructions, they misunderstand the 'new diet..' They give him every kind of dog food out there, cat food, hot dogs, burgers, and a plethora of other horrifying no nos to give to dogs. I would hope that if the parents weren't so lazy and went to the vet with them, they would've had enough sense to know that is NOT what the Vet meant by 'change in diet..' BLATANT PARENT FAIL #3.
Idiot Father says, "No matter what that dog eats, he turns it into farts..." This is coming from Puff Daddy wearin' his hat to the side gangsta style and blaming Walter for his farts I'm sure. Then there's Uncle Irv, who we can assume is Puff Daddy's freeloading brother who blames his farts on Walter, too.
Here's where I get aggravated. Father says, "he has to go back to the pound.." The kids beg him not to send Walter away, but apparently Father is so damn delicate that he can't stand that someone in the house is farting more than he is. So basically, you are telling all of these little people reading the book that if your dog stinks, take him back to the pound. BLATANT PARENT FAIL #4.
So that night, Betty and Billy are heartbroken, crying in their rooms and beseech Walter to stop farting, as if Walter has any control over his flatulence. By some miracle, Walter understands his fate and decides he will hold in his farts forever. Have you ever tried to hold in a fart like that? As a woman, I can tell you, it is gut-wrenchingly painful. Why are we encouraging kids to hold in their farts? I'm going to throw that into another BLATANT PARENT FAIL #5.
Walter digs in the cupboard and finds a bag of low-fart dog biscuits the Quack Vet prescribed him - and because the parents weren't at the appointment, conned the kids into buying for Walter to make them think it would help him - when really he made them pay for an overpriced bag of Fiber One bars for dogs and charged it to their bill. He eats the entire bag and goes to lay down...just him, his giant gas bubble, and the creepy photo of the woman lying on the couch above him. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?
He hears a noise at the window. Burglars enter the house. (now my kids get scared at this point of the book every single time...) One of the burglars says to watch out for the dog - and the other says not to worry that the dog is a
'wimp'...and they tie a rag around his snout.
They wipe them out and try to leave when Walter lets out a rip-roaring fart that sends them racing out the window. They run through the streets when by golly they nearly run right into a passing police car.
The next morning, when Father and Mother decide to drag their lazy asses out of bed, they come down to find poor Walter's mouth still tied shut, and the house in disarray.
Mother's first selfish reaction was not to see if Walter was unharmed, or to see of the kids were ok, but to exclaim "he saved the silverware!" Selfish prude!
Father's first reaction was to yell in delight, "HE SAVED THE VCR!" God forbid Father not have his precious previously recorded programs to watch while he lets the children parent themselves!
He quickly gives Walter a backhanded compliment of "Good dog, Walter! You're our dog even if you do fart all the time.." What a douchebag.
And that's where it ends...Walter gets to stay. I hate to see what would've happened if the burglars took off with the VCR?
That's it for me, folks! I'm getting off this carousel because I'm feeling a little queasy..not sure if it's from the round and round of the ride or all of this talk of farting. I'm getting off my high horse and letting Deborah of http://mannahattamamma.com/ have a turn. She's next on Character Assassination Carousel! Thanks for reading!