|Quite honestly, yesterday's grief and horror was simply not fathomable. Our hearts are not equipped to handle that kind of pain.|
The Morning After...
I will write so I can attempt to comprehend the incomprehensible.
It never ceases to amaze me that the sun continues to come up the morning after another unspeakable tragedy. The cars continue to whiz by, the clouds take new shapes in the sky, the donuts at the local shop are still ready for the next customer, the coffee awaits...life goes on.
My boys woke up and sprinted downstairs, like on any other typical Saturday, took a flying leap onto the couch while sporting bed hair and sleepy faces. Once again, they fought over the remote control and which of their favorite cartoons to watch. They remembered their Star Wars Lego Advent calendar and decided whose turn it was to open, and watched in excitement for what piece today had to offer. With a heavy, but grateful heart, that I watched them, knowing someone's Advent calendar will permanently remain as it was yesterday, forever.
It all makes me want to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for the times I rushed them to school and said "I love you, now go - go - go and have a good day" as I yelled from the car.
I'm sorry for the times that I complained that they ask for juice and snacks every ten minutes.
I'm sorry for the countless times I lost my patience over how many questions they asked me in a day.
I'm sorry for the times I stepped on their Legos and yelled about their toys and their rooms and their clothes and the toilet seat and and and and ....
I know we're all doing the best we can. I know being a parent is challenging and exhausting and thrilling and rewarding all in somewhat equal parts throughout the year. I know we all need an outlet. Some of us blog or use other social media to vent or have a laugh. Some of us have hobbies, crafts, sports, clubs, book groups - whatever - we are trying to live fulfilling, balanced lives, all while that quiet ghost of uncertainty follows us around everywhere we go, whispering "you just never know what might happen..." We shush him out of our heads, we push the thought away, we blink really hard to not see or hear, but he's there, quietly standing by - he's the shadow of doubt, fear and insecurity about the world we now live in. I try to fight him with joy and laughter. I try to arm myself with humor and positivity, love and light, however I can. It's the only way.
I look in the beaming faces of my hopeful children and know I have to be strong, upbeat and positive to give them the type of carefree childhood that I was blessed with. I know I have to bravely take them to school on Monday and drop them off while stifling my tears and my fears of the unknown. I have to pass along a false confidence in the system, in life, in our world, in God, in whomever, in whatever so that they never have to fear living their young lives. I hate that their innocence is always being compromised and that the value of life and the precious gifts we are given has not the weight it once did. I will pretend, however, that it does. I will use my best acting skills to show that I am not afraid. I will draw strength from everywhere I can to surround these kids with as much normalcy, happiness, and innocence and they should have. I will live. And I will teach my children to live...both with passion and compassion, with humility and with humor, with courage and with optimism, so that they can always look back and say, I did it all to the fullest.
I know so many people are barely holding on as it is, that something like yesterday is like the gentle breeze that knocks them over because they were too weak to fight off any more bad. For those people, my heart breaks, because it is so hard to get back up again. We all need love, kindness, hope, a quiet courage, and a belief in the greater good to put one foot in front of the other and march forward in life. To those people, I extend my hand in peace and love in hopes that they can let me gently pull them up and help them move forward to find the beauty in another day, for there is always hope that today will be good, peaceful, easy and light. We can always hope...should we choose to.
Thank you for reading, as always..I appreciate each and every one of you.
Until next time...
I will continue to believe that good will prevail.
I will continue to find joy in the simple things.
I will continue to make my immediate surroundings happy, peaceful and positive.
I will not cry over spilled milk.
I will not expect or demand perfection.
I will not allow fear of the unknown to paralyze or own me.
I will not allow evil to prevail.
I will put one foot in front of the other...and move forward with hope, appreciation, and perspective.
One final word, from the Christmas song, Do You Hear What I Hear?
Pray for peace ...people everywhere
Wishing you Love and Light, and Laughter again soon,