The 12 Days of (A Practical) Christmas...

When I first thought about doing this blog about practical vs impractical Christmas gifts, it was after seeing a Lexus holiday commercial.  Every year, I see those commercials and I'm like...who does that?  I'm not jealous (ohh ok, just a tiny bit) - I'm perplexed.  I guess since I don't have the money required to buy my husband a Buick let alone a Lexus, I don't 'get' it.  How would you ever top that?  Would you have to buy them a second home in Florida the following year? And then what? A yacht?  We'd never be able to keep topping it...unless of course we had bazillions - then each year could be a little crazier.  Awww honey, you bought us 2 tickets to the moon!  You shouldn't have!  Don't get me wrong, I would lovvve to be able to buy anything I wanted at Christmas time but maybe I'm just more practical than that..I mean I see the Lexus commercial and right away start thinking, what about the registration fee? Did he pay for that? Taxes are going to be a bitch on a new Lexus - wonder if he covered those, too?  What does he think he's getting?  What in the world did she get him - did she have an idea of what he was getting her?  I mean was her Escalade acting up or something - or maybe this is in addition to the Escalade? Where does one go to get a bow that big? Do Lexus dealerships offer free gigantic red bows  for each car bought in December?  So when I hear "December to Remember" on the Lexus commercial I think, it would be the December I would remember as my husband saying, "what the hellll is wrong with you - we can't afford a Lexus!"  and taking the drive of shame back to the dealership.

Thanks for getting me a Lexus!  I feel like an idiot because all I got you was a toolbox from Sears. (Check out the ribbon - that thing is crazy!)

Anyhow...speaking of December to Remember.  Today is 12--12--12!  You can't think of December 12th without singing the 12 days of Christmas, right?  We're on official countdown to Christmas - no panicking...STAY CALM and have a cup of eggnog!  I hear this song playing on the radio and I scratch my head and wonder - were things really that different so many years ago that any of these gifts would've been appropriate to receive?   Because, in all honesty, not even back then would I have wanted random feathered friends all over my house adding to the endless list of chores I already can't keep up with.

Taking care various birds and cattle is  NOT on the list.

Maybe it's my OCD kicking in here, but the thought of so much clutter being delivered to my house during the holidays makes me twitchy.  I mean, look, I get that the girl singing the song is excited about getting so many presents for 12 straight days, but after a while, she just sounds braggy and spoiled.  And what about this "true love" sending her these gifts.  He seems so shady.  Why can't he just buy her one lovely gift and give it to her on Christmas morning like the rest of the men out there.  Why isn't he at the mall stressing out because he waited until Christmas Eve like all of the other husbands and gentlemen callers out there?  Seems to me he's either overcompensating for something or he's really trying to show off - which only means that topping these 12 days of gifts each year will end up causing him even more stress and possibly encouraging an early death due to the overwhelming pressure of keeping his true love happy.  He's totally setting himself up for failure with this high level of gift giving.  I thought maybe I'd give the 2012 male gift giver, wanting to try the 12 days of gift giving with his true love, a more realistic and appreciated list of modern day gifts.


A Partridge in a Pear Tree
No.  Keep the partridge.  But a pear tree is always nice.  Try heading to a local nursery, buying a nice Pear tree that she can enjoy eating the fruit from and watching it, along with your love, grow.  Trees are expensive so this should be both an appreciated and practical gift.

2 Turtle Doves
The turtle dove is also known as a Carolina Pigeon.  She doesn't want doves OR pigeons for that matter.  These two birds would make more of a mess and poop more than she could ever imagine.  If you don't want to have her screaming at you over the stress the birds are causing, you'd be better off making her 2 dozen Turtles made with Dove chocolates. The combination of crunchy pecans, soft caramel and smooth Dove chocolate is impossible to resist.   She'll love a man that can whip up a batch of these. 

3 French Hens 
What is she going to do with nasty French chickens clucking around her yard? If you are going to buy her French anything, try 3 loves of French bread, accompanied by a delicious pasta dinner so she doesn't have to cook.  Now you're getting the picture!

4 Calling Birds
If the lady in your life is busy, and chances are, she is, her phone is ringing off the hook with customers, friends, and family calling her all day so the last thing she needs are 4 calling birds.  The best Songbird you can get her today, is the CD by Eva Cassidy.  She will get hours of enjoyment out of the soft sounds of Eva's angelic voice.

If you've never heard of Eva Cassidy, you are in for a treat.  Songbird, the song, is featured in the Fifty Shades of Gray Trilogy and the awesome Christmas movie, Love Actually.  There is not one bad song on this entire album.

5  Golden Rings
Why was he giving her 5 golden rings to begin with? Where was all of this money coming from?  Wasn't one golden ring enough or was he making an exception due to his wandering eye and felt guilty and needed to make up for it with extra rings.  Unless she's an athlete at the winter Olympics, she doesn't need or want 5 Gold rings.  Instead, why not try 5 bracelet bangles.  They don't have to be gold - they come in all kinds of colors and girls like to wear them to accessorize an outfit when they go out.  They sparkle and shine and she will love them, I promise.

6 Geese a Laying No NO NOOO!  Have you seen how many geese-are-laying outside her door already?  They are a nuisance and you will gain yourself a ticket to singleville if you show up with 6 of these!  Instead, try a 680 thread count Goose-Down comforter to keep your true love warm when you are not with her.

7 Swans a Swimming  They may be beautiful, but no woman wants these  fierce tempered honkers for Christmas.   Perhaps 7 tickets to see Swan Lake with 6 of her closest friends would make her happier?


8 Maids a Milking  Milking what? Cows?  Her home is not zoned for livestock so back the truck up and get the Bovine Express out of there!  But you were right on with the 8 Maids part.  Who doesn't want 8 maids to come to their home once a week to get the house in tip-top shape in just one hour.  You got it - 8 maids, one day a week, one hour and done.  Now THAT's a gift.

I'm not kidding when I say to me, this is the BEST. GIFT. EVER.

9 Ladies Dancing  Only a man could come up with this one.  Why would your lady want NINE ladies at her house dancing? Unless you are planning on taking her to the Rockette's Christmas Spectacular, I'm willing to bet she's not going to be happy. That just has awkward written all over it.  Here's an idea, give her a 9 West gift card to go buy herself some new dancing shoes.

10 Lords a Leaping  No.  She doesn't want Michael Flatley performing an Irish musical on her good hardwood floors.  How about this. 10 Landscapers Landscaping.  You could set her up with all year round landscaping services - from snow removal to leaf cleanup to lawn mowing.  Boom.  You're back on the good list just like that.

Lords -a -Leaping?  No.  and No.

11 Pipers Piping - The thought of 11 pipers at her doorstep playing ear piercing Christmas carols like grade schoolers playing their  recorders could you get you a breakup.  And speaking of Piping?  Those cut-out cookies aren't going to pipe themselves.  Why don't you offer to help her frost and pipe icing into those 3 dozen cut out cookies she's slaving over?

12 Drummers Drumming So unless you plan on having the 12 most famous drummers of all time show up at her door, I'm going to say don't do this.  The holidays are stressful enough without all of the excess noise.  If you are going to send a dozen of anything at this point in the game, try a dozen gift cards to her favorite stores.

No Lars? No Tommy Lee?  No Admittance.

Well - that's all for now, loves.  We're going to be straight out holiday from here till Christmas!  Hope everyone is staying sane, merry and bright.

Love and Light ...sprinkled with Holiday Cheers and Giggles,

~DG