Sunday, January 20, 2013
How To Annoy Your Husband During a Football Game
This is it. This is my last opportunity to pay my husband back for the ridiculous, annoying commentary he has bombarded me with during my one to two hours of peaceful time without the kids around and tainted my show watching all year long. Dancing with the Stars would be accompanied with wardrobe comments, questions about this and that - critiques on hair and body. Grey's Anatomy would be peppered in sarcastic remarks about Patrick Dempsey's hair and what's so great about him, and how gaunt so and so looks, and how this or that would never happen. And not just any Grey's Anatomy episode - but the post-crash episodes this season when Sloane (McSteamy) died and I was crying my eyes out. Nevermind if he busted me once -in -a-blue-moon sneaking a Housewives of Somewhere episode - ohhh then I just turned the tv off instead of listen to his verbal pecking the whole time. Yes. Paybacks have been coming for a while.
Here's my Top 10 Ways to Annoy Your Husband During a Football game - also known as paybacks for peanut-gallery-type commentary on my chick flicks and girly shows.
1. Talk incessantly about the uniforms. Seriously. The Ravens pants are HAWT. I love the solid black tighty spandexy pants they have on. I can't tell where the pants end and the socks begin. I wouldn't mind a pair to kick around in. The black with the flashy B on the thigh...love it. Much better than those awful misty-grey pants with the stripe down the thigh that the Pats are wearing.
2. Yell for the other team just as much as the home team. This will cause confusion and irritation. Tell him you feel so sorry for the losing team, the head coach of the losing team who will probably lose his job and not be able to support his family, and especially for the wives of the losing teams' players. Trying to over-humanize them will drive him to drink.
3. Ask questions and use other sports' terminology like why did they call that a foul ball? Be sure to over complicate your questions just to make them stop and answer them.
4. Talk about the cheerleaders any time they do a close up. This will distract them and they will miss their chance to drool over them. Point out to them which ones are wearing false eyelashes, cake makeup, have had collagen injections and or breast implants. Then, just for added fun, talk about the exploitation of women. That might make him leave the room or just hand you the remote and give up.
5. If he asks for anything...a beer, nachos, whatever. Sigh really loud and say your back is killing you but no problem, you'll be right back. Bring him a beer without the bottle top removed - sit back down - and then make him ask you again to bring you a bottle opener. If he does, glare and ask him if his legs are broken. So much fun!!
6. Pronounce the players' names wrong - saying them sloooowwww and phonetically then ask what kind of name that is and start to question the origin or nationality of the player. Find someone you know with the same nationality and start telling a story about that person if you can. Just keep talking. And talking. And talking.
7. Over-cheer and overreact for every little thing - including things like a 2 yard gain, an incomplete pass or a yellow flag. You could even bark like a dog and do Arsenio Hall style arm movements and jump out of your seat. It will annoy them to no end - not to mention they won't be able to hear what the call was because you are being too loud. (Be careful though, this could cause them to rewind the play and add extra time onto the game).
8. Bring the kids' Nerf football into the family room. Insist he keep throwing it back to you. Wait until he's not watching and throw it toward his head and yell THINK FAST! Also, if you are indulging in popcorn or m&m's and the like - insist he open his mouth and try to catch a kernel of popcorn in his mouth. Anything you can do to keep annoying him - it's like the "I'm not touching you , I'm not touching you" game from grade school where you keep poking around their face. Yes, these are childish and immature - but greatly rewarding and entertaining.
9. Talk about the dangers of football during any and all injuries and say, "see, that's why I don't like football - it's just too dangerous and someone ends up getting hurt in every game." It's also fun to point out that they would never last five minutes in a game.
10. If he's in a Fantasy Football league, be sure to say "you shouldn't have played that guy, that's going to cost you.." or other unwanted, obvious bits of advice/information that he is already saying in his own mind.
In conclusion, I want to say this. I was born and raised in Canton, Ohio. Home of everything football. I grew up with Buckeye Fever, Cleveland Browns Heartache, and everything in the city revolving around football. My dad and brother never missed an NFL game on TV. I've been dealing with this for years. My husband loves the game, my kids love the game. I really don't mind it....but I have made a sport out of razzing these guys when they get too serious about the game.
If I'm being honest, I love the game, I love the lazy Sundays on the couch and I love the excuse to eat bad food and be part of America's favorite pastime (eating, being lazy, and watching tv).
Enjoy the game...until next time - Go New England Ravens! (kidding!)