Tuesday

My Most Truthful Work Resume

If playing with lightsabers while drinking coffee and doing Yoga were worthwhile skills to put on my resume, I'd be hired in an instant!
Ever wonder what your most truthful resume would look like?  Especially when you've been a SAHM for years and years and almost forgot what it is really like to work outside of the home?  I was making a mental list of my skill set the other day - just for fun - and of course with the most sarcastic thoughts involved - and thought it might be fun to just be brutally honest and write it down.  Now, I am back to work part-time - if you can call it that - since I do work for my husband in his office of our family business...so I can poke a little fun of myself and working with him.  Hope you get a giggle or two at the skills I've mastered from over a decade of parenting.  What would YOUR resume look like?  In the comments, I'd love to hear your mission statement, your ideal work environment or your special skills set...anything you want - enjoy!
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DG
222 Domesticated Drive
Parentown, PA 00007
Mission Statement:  I am a 50%-er who is ready and willing to give 75% to a prospective employer outside of the home.
My Ideal Work Environment:  A place where I can go to clear my head, be left alone for the first 1-2 hours to drink my coffee and read blogs, and spread 4 actual hours of work over 8 to reach maximum salary with minimal effort.
Professional Profile at a Glance
    Sleep Therapist    Nurse    Janitor    Chef    Nanny    Maid  Chauffeur    Back Rubber/Massotherapist    CNA/LNA skills    Party Planner   Coach/Life Skills Leader    Motivational Speaker    Lightsaber/Jedi Master   BooBoo Technician and
Many More...
Somewhat accomplished Mother of three with wide range of odd skills.  Seeking to transition from full-time 24/7 Parenting Job to 40 hour work-week job outside of home, preferably with a lock on the restroom door.  Outstanding dictatorship-like leadership-qualities, with a specialty in behavioral solutions and tantrum-avoidance.  Not particularly organized, but possess a strong awareness and idea of where most of the important things are kept, and excels in filing documents in the circular storage unit to avoid clutter.  Though amongst children under 13 for the majority of the past decade plus, boasts amazing interpersonal skills with basic, monosyllabic words and sentences. Strong expertise in multi-tasking and rushing through projects at the last minute.  Specializes in conflict and dispute resolution, time-outs, and homework project management solutions.
Important Key Facts, Skills and Accomplishments
*No Fear of Toddlers
I have raised three boys through toddlerhood, survived the terrible twos and threes, overcame the demands of the fours, dealt with the tantrums of the fives, sailed through the sloppy sixes, and so on.  I do not let children smell  fear on me.  I often
have the upper hand and demand respect while succumbing to their repeated pleas for something they want.  I have lived through the highest pitched screams, stopped them from jumping off of a crib, negotiated deals, reversed their thinking, and closed even the most difficult deals.  Skills - these are the skills brilliant, brave women are made of.
*Resilience and Mental Strength
I helped break three children of their pacifiers, was able to withstand years without a full night of sleep, have gone without hot meals and can text and cut meat with one hand (and not my dominant one).  I have given birth three times and laughed in the face of contractions (post-epidural, but who's questioning that?)  I can literally shower, apply my make up and dry my hair in 5 minutes and 38 seconds.  (Embellishment for dramatic effect).  I have been known for my swift, cougar-like reactions to midnight vomiting and can change soiled sheets and put fresh ones on in the dark, again, in under 5 minutes and 38 seconds.  *cough*
*Keeps Priorities in Check/Self-less in Nature
Once I fell down a flight of stairs and proceeded to cook a entire Greek meal for friends and family while barely able to feel my right arm. I've also been known to give my 1/2 eaten donut to one of my children if they caught me eating it in a broom closet.  I no longer have 100 pairs of shoes and matching purses, but have scaled back to 50.  Ok 75.
*Dependability
I am 100% dependable, unless one of my children gets sick - and someone is always sick - amiright? Any employer can also  count on me to run out mid-morning for coffee and danishes, as well as lunch, and afternoon coffees.  I will not, however,  pick up your dry-cleaning because then you'd just be taking advantage of me (unless I have some to pick up already - then, no problem).
 Education:
Completed necessary requirements to graduate, with a special focus on note writing and MASH future predictor-surveys.Special focus/talents in Sale Math and Percentages off of clearance items.  Excelled in Sorority party planning and social graces in university.
Special skills in dressing on a college student's budget and eating out for less.
Extracurricular Activities:
I pride myself in little to no strenuous activity and I would not consider myself 'outdoor friendly.''  I am an avid walker - and an even more avid talker.   I would have to say my favorite extra-curriculars are shopping, getting pedicures and massages, and coloring my hair.  I have little time for any of that with the kids so most of the time my daily hobbies include Geocaching-like indoor expeditions in search of lost Legos, climbing loads of laundry, and emptying the dishwasher with Olympic discus-style form and speed.
References:
 (Please feel free to contact the following people for glowing references on my abilities and skills)
~My 13 year old:  Please contact by text only.  He will tell you that I am great with last minute late -night projects that are due the next morning, baking dozens of cookies the day of the bake sale, and organizing my time wisely enough to get him to all of his extra-curricular activities.  Gripes and touchy subjects include i pod apps, bathing/personal hygiene and flatulence at the most inappropriate times.
~My 6 year old:  Please contact in person on the playground with pre-determined time set by teacher.  Do not ask him about my cooking.  He is a picky eater and will not give you the truth about my abilities. Other off-limit topics include his blankey, nose picking, and his butt wiping issues. Safe topics for include:  nighttime back rubs, administering of medicines via medicine dropper, ice cream sundae toppings organization skills as well as scooping very cold ice cream with grace and ease.
~My 4 year old:  Please contact him via LeapPad - you know, the device I spent 6 days on ebay shopping un-victoriously for when you couldn't find it in stores - yes that one.  Off limit topics: Bathtime, not being picked for Lineleader, and bedtime.  Safe topics:  Ninjago, Legos, Santa Claus and Star Wars.  You won't get much out of him other than his mom is pretty awesome but has a weird amount of facial hair, and jello-y thighs.
~Our Pediatrician:  This is one of the only people I've had very strong interactions with on a monthly basis and sometimes more.  He will vouge for my undying love for my kids, he will tell you I follow directions well, I am diligent, quick to pay my invoices and ask really good questions.  He will also tell you that I ended my senseless research on WebMd per his advice and that I am logical and witty, even under the worst conditions.
Please note:  No professional references are available since I have been out of the race for so long.  I have little to no adult skills to brag about unless you consider my high tolerance for pain during sickness because I cannot afford to be ill or my household will shut down.  This is good for your concern of my using sick days.  I can vomit and then go on to do six loads of laundry without blinking.  My previous employer will tell you that I put the 'ass' in assistant like no admin she's ever had before.
MISC. ODD SKILLS AND THINGS I CAN BRING TO THE CONFERENCE TABLE:
The ability to sing a song or quote a movie for almost any occasion and/or work conversation.  Some Jedi-Mind trick skills, but only on children. Swift and fearless with a plastic lightsaber.  Extremely fast scrolling fingers can buzz through FB newsfeeds with ease, read texts quickly, and I can type 100wpm and text about 8 wpm.  Not that I'll need them at work, but my baby's bum-wiping skills are impeccable.  I would also be able to somewhat graciously clean up urine that is not mine from the workplace toilet seat - just out of habit and good hygiene alone.  I  have the ability to down about 3 cups of extremely hot coffee in about 5 minutes and 38 seconds.  I am also very good at looking like I am working behind a computer screen, but actually online shopping or bidding on high-end knockoffs on eBay.
Please call or email to set up an interview at my convenience, definitely not on Mondays or Fridays, and I find most Tuesdays I am irritated and groggy, other than that, I am flexible.
Cheers and laughs,
~DG

24 comments:

  1. Bloody marvelous ! Great ideas for my back to college interview after nine years ! Haven't laughed so much in ages. X

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    1. Awww..thank you - glad you got a laugh! xo

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  2. YOU....You just make me laugh so hard...so many reasons to adore you and this resume is only one of them. I really needed this laugh today! Thank you! Beth

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  3. Love it! One of my special skills, able to hold a tantruming toddle upside down by one ankle while standing in a checkout isle paying for groceries

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    1. Wow - mad skills for sure!!! I'm jealous! lol!

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  4. I'd hire you. I couldn't pay you, but I'd hire you. Well, I could pay you but only in laughs and chocolate. Love you. xoxo

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    1. I love to get paid in laughs..love you girl!

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  5. Ah yes, a job where you can get away with spreading 4 hours out over 8 ... the holy grail of the working world.

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    1. I can also get 8 hours done in 4 with the right amt of coffee!! :)

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  6. I think these skills make for a great employee for MANY job paths! Summary: very quick on your feet, and cool under pressure! You're hired!! :) <3 Devan

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  7. OMG!!! This is hysterical! I can relate!! Hey it almost could be mine!! lol!


    Debbie

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  8. OMG!!! This is hysterical! I can relate!! Hey it almost could be mine!! lol!


    Debbie

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  9. You're hired! I think the mission statement is my LOL fave. But there are sooooooooo many great parts that I'm sharing the whole damn thing on the whole damn internet.

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    1. Dammit Nicole - you are so good for my ego, I'd like to hire you as my self-esteem promoter. Please send over a resume...xo

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  10. you are so hired. PLEASE COME HELP ME!!!

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  11. Um....can you write mine for me? Well, wait...nevermind. Can I just plagiarize a little? okay...gawd, plagiarize a lot.

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  12. For gaps in employment on my resume (not a SAHM, but a working mom) I wanted to put, "got ripped in half twice, for funsies!" I loved yours!!! And really what are co-workers but grumpy toddlers half the damned time anyways... as are most clients 90% of the time. Example... my stuff won't work!! fix it NOW!!! *stomp stomp stomp*... This is STUPID! That's not a rule that applies to meeeeeeeeee! *insert resulting eyerolls here* OOOOOOO I also have the ability to roll my eyes so far back in my head I can watch my IQ points drop due to the conversation I'm currently having with said toddler co-worker/client.

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  13. This was great and so true! Especially the part about the soldiering through pain to do a dinner and text/cut up meat and change sheets in under 5 minutes in the dark. Am still laughing!

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  14. LOL that was great!!!!

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