Tuesday

Coffee Talk: Crimes I've Committed Against Coffee Pots




Let's talk about something no one wants to talk about...Crimes against Coffee.

Most of you know by now I am one of the last dinosaurs that uses a coffee percolator.  Yes, I'm 90 years old stuck in a 40 year old body.  I can't help it.  They make the HOTTEST, most delicious coffee.  My grandmothers still have theirs from their weddings.  (kidding)  The older models lasted for YEARS unlike this crap we buy now that lasts maybe a year if you are lucky.  But seriously, I've tried the rest - all of them - and the best cup of coffee hands down is made by a percolator.  It's too late to turn back now.  I'm committed.

In my morning rush to get my caffeine fix, I may tend to be a little rough with my coffee pot-especially the top with the crystal peep hole where you can see the coffee popping up and making that soft percolating noise that sends excitement through my body in anticipation of my first sip.  The other day, I was getting the pot ready when I noticed that part of the top was wiggly.

Dammit!  Another one bites the dust!  Stupid cheap parts made in China! (I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I yank that sucker off with the might of a gorilla).

I ignored the warning of a possible future malfunction and made the coffee anyway.  It came out fine, no problems.  The next day, it was a little more wiggly, and again, my addiction led to poor choices.  I chose to percolate once again and ignore the fact that my pot had finally suffered enough abuse at my hand.  It was planning its revenge.  Quietly percolating, and plotting at the same time.

Let's take a side step here and discuss the one thing I hate about percolators.  There is no auto-brew timer. This means one has to actually wake up, go make the coffee and...gasp...wait.   No emotional Folger's commercials are played out here where I actually smell the fresh brewing coffee while I'm still in bed and take a long, dramatic stretch and smile in excitement of waking up to Folgers in my cup.  No.  I have to trip down the stairs, fumble through the Lazy Susan, and then - get this - I'm expected to accurately count scoops to get it ready to go.  Gawd these people want so much from me!


So a few days ago, I made my morning pilgrimage to the coffee pot, prepared it successfully and went back upstairs to get ready for the day ahead.  I came back down just a few minutes later to see if it was ready yet and saw my very own coffee geyser exploding in my kitchen.  Hot...steamy...semi-brewed coffee blowing out of the spot where the wiggly crystal top once lived atop of her stainless steel castle.  The coffee continued to spew with force - covering my kitchen cabinets, counter tops, and floor with coffee.

Another one bites the dust.

I was tempted to open my mouth and just start trying to drink any of the coffee that was flying through the air, but I happen to like my face the way it looks without 3rd degree burns from coffee gluttony.  I held back my tears...because believe me, this mess and loss of morning coffee was worth crying over, and I began to clean.

As I was cleaning, a flood of memories came back to me of coffee messes of mornings' past that I endured. So many relationships with other coffeemakers, like bad old boyfriends you never forget.  Mr. Coffee was one of them.  What an asshole that coffee pot was.  I made more coffee errors during my sleep deprived newborn baby days with that thing than you can imagine.  Once I even scooped formula in it instead of coffee.   He was very unforgiving for that mistake.  Then there was the time I had the Cuisinart with the timer I talked about earlier - only I forgot to put the carafe under it so I woke up to a flood of coffee on my floor instead.   What?  I left it right next to the coffeemaker - didn't it have the sense to will it over to the hot burner where it belonged?   For the record, I did cry that day.  I also recall grabbing the glass coffee carafe too hastily one morning and smashing the glass into a thousand little pieces before I had my first cup. Maybe I am a coffee pot abuser.  I have committed too many crimes against coffeemakers.


How are we supposed to function if we haven't had our coffee yet?  It's not our fault!
Everyone thinks I should own a Keurig.  I don't want one.  We had one where I used to work and I swear to you every single time I went to make a cup of lukewarm coffee, the water fill indicator light was one.  What the hell people??? When you work with a bunch of guys, however, this is what happens.  They want a second or third cup in the morning, but catch a glimpse of the blue light and keep walking, hoping someone else will fill it.  The coffee is terrible if you ask me - but that's just my opinion.   I like my Percolator.  I'm ruined for life.

Lazy.  But I totally get her complaint.

I drove over to our local Kitchen Collection and went straight to the coffee makers to get a replacement.

There were no percolators left.

The saleswoman asked if she could help me find something.

Please tell me you have a percolator in stock? (panicking)

She scoffed and answered, "yeahhh, nooo...we are not carrying those anymore - there's just no demand for them"

I'll show you demand!  

I choked back the tears as I thought about having to order one online and WAIT for it to ship.

"Could I interest you in a Keurig??"

I left skid marks.

"Ma'am?.....MA'AAAM?"

I DON'T WANT A KEURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!


Until next time, it's time to stand up against pot abuse...
Let's get it percolatin' while we're waitin'...
Cheers and Love,
~DG

15 comments:

  1. I feel your pain. when my coffee siphon bulb broke I was reduced to using filters and a bowl to make coffee just like you do when you're camping. There is a great 2nd hand store that has nothing but 1950's kitchen items on the way up to our place Maine.I saw a couple of old percolators in there In August.I will see if I can find their card with their info for you. this is a one room porch with nothing but kitchen items and I was told the first time I was there everything works. Hope you get your Coffee fix today!!

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    1. I LOVVVE those old stores! You never know what you might find - and that stuff was made to last! xo

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  2. First of all here is where you can get one;) http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/1/3/coffee-percolator

    Second, use a light switch timer to make your coffee ready for you in the morning.

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  3. Tee hee... I'm a coffee pot abuser too.... I've killed and exploded and destroyed many a maker.
    Although I do prefer the richness of percolator and even the french press... I have caved to the Keurig... BUT... I am a total and complete coffee snob. I bought one of those special little inserts in lieu of K-cup and use my DIRECT FROM COSTA RICAN COFFEE FARM coffee ;) The little "basket" is perfect because I don't need to think. I scoop directly from the freshly ground heaven - place it in it's little holder and voila... liquid love. :)

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    1. mmmmm that sounds heavenly for sure..wish we could have a cup together my friend! xo

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  4. I like percolator coffee as well, but I did find that coffee presses can also make a fine damn cup of coffee too. I can boil that water and burn myself drinking it after :) The AeroPress is one of the best coffee presses around. Always good to have a back-up when you have to wait on getting a new percolator.

    And I was going to suggest the light timer too, that's what we use in the office to get the Keurig up and running before everyone arrives.

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    1. I keep hearing about the french press but haven't made the jump yet! It WOULD make a great back up plan!! Thanks for the tip! xo

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  5. I well-remember the Corning white-with-blue-flowers percolator jamming away on the stovetop every morning, every afternoon and probably in between during my childhood years. My mom is a SERIOUS coffee addict and probably is personally responsible for Juan Valdez's comfortable retirement. I can't remember when she finally switched to something you plug in, but every time I watch a movie or TV show set in the '70s and see a percolator it gives me a pang. Nowadays, everyone who visits my mom's house gets treated to the early AM wake-up call of her Cuisinart automatically grinding the beans and starting the brew. It sounds like a jet engine in the kitchen. Just what everybody wants to hear at 7:00 AM...

    Good luck getting a replacement, and sorry about the geyser! We've left the pot out from underneath and had floods, but never a geyser...

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    1. The 7:00 am sound of the percolator..is heavenly to me! lol! It would probably be even better if it was 9 am though! lol

      We've all done the coffee flood..never fun.
      xoxo

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  6. Places that sell camping equipment still sell stovetop perolators. I have one I use for camping.

    And you're right, no coffee is hotter. When camping, we actually brew our coffee at night and put it into thermoses to drink in the morning. Solves the whole too-dumb-to-make-coffee-without-coffee-first thing.

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  7. I haven't tried a percolator, but I LOVE the french press.

    We have the keurig at work and I hate it. It is so nasty. The coffee tastes burnt and there are ALWAYS coffee grinds in my cup. GROSS!

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  8. I am not a coffee drinker, I am a tea drinker, so I don't have anything to add EXCEPT I have the Keurig and seriously, that water reservoir is ridiculous and needs to hold about 3x as much water, because every time I go to use it, I need to refill it. Soooooo annoying. Also, they need to figure out how to make better tea k-cups, because I get tea leave floaters and no one likes a floater in their cup!

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  9. I still have a percolater just like the one on the old Folger's commercials ! And it works beautifully ! :) Bought it at a second hand store for 2 bucks...

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  10. I still have a percolater just like the one on the old Folger's commercials ! And it works beautifully ! :) Bought it at a second hand store for 2 bucks...

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