Thursday

Snacks, Lies and Ouzo Shots with Tina Fey...


Preface:  Not sure if you've seen the funny 'guess who came over' posts that some of my fellow bloggers (please see complete list of hilarious pieces at end of this post) are brilliantly writing, but I am pinch hitting for a dear friend of mine who has fallen victim to the back to school flu bug.  Not that Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat has impossibly big shoes to fill or anything - no pressure...but a friend in need, right?  DG to the rescue.  You might recall, Jen adores Tina Fey.  So when a bunch of us wanted to help Ilana from Mommy Shorts promote her hilariously funny new web series on ulive called The Mommy Show, Jen chose Tina Fey as her pretend-your-idol-came-over-for-coffee-celeb fantasy post.  (Sidenote: If you aren't aware already, Ilana's show features celebs dropping by to visit her pristine apartment for a chat while she attempts an interview and other funny things with them. She even gets her groove back by having THE Taye Diggs on her show!)  ANYHOW... Jen chose to have Tina over for imaginary coffee but is under the weather so I volunteered to have my fellow Greek girlfriend over for some Gyros and Baklava and Greek Coffee as a favor to her.  Here's what happened in my fictional afternoon..




Tina: (Knock Knock)

Me: (opening door with grace, calm and elegance)  Well Hello!

Tina: Oh ... umm...oh, you must be Jen's assistant?  I have a coffee interview with Jen from PIWTPITT.

Me:  No, I'm not Jen's assistant, I'm a blogger friend of hers - she's sick and asked if I could do the interview for her.  She is so very sorry but she didn't want to get you sick.

Tina:  (bummed)  WOW...So you're really NOT Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat?  I am a huge fan and love her books

Me:  No, I am so sorry you are disappointed.

Tina:  (now she's just pissed)  Well - technically, right now you ARE a person I want to punch in the throat but (makes sniffing noise) wait, is that Baklava I smell? (looks over my shoulder)  Oh..my..gosh..is that spanakopita???  Tiropita???  That is an ENTIRE table full of GREEK FOOD??!!"

Me:  Pfft..it's nothing! I just thought since you're Greek and I'm Greek that you and I might have a little Greek Coffee and some homemade goodies together..

Tina:  (pushes me)  SHUT UP!!!!  Why didn't you just SAY that when I got here?  I am ALWAYS up for good old fashioned, homemade Greek food but just never have time to make anything with my two girls running around driving me crazy all the time.  You must not have any kids to be able to put THAT spread together?

Me:  Umm - actually, I have three boys - my youngest is five.

Tina:  (looks around) How in the HELL did you have time to make all of this AND take care of them?  You must have this parenting gig down to a science!

Me:  I just told them I had a special friend coming over and to do some reading and other quiet things while I cooked all day.

Tina:  (turning red) Okay I must be doing something really wrong because I'm lucky if I can handle Taco Tuesday at our house with pre-fab tacos in a box.  And your place - it's so clean! The boys aren't home I take it?

Me:  Oh no, they're home   - they are in their rooms working on projects.  We do Taco Tuesday too!!!  I just make everything from scratch and cut up some fresh toppings and they can make their own from a taco bar.  They LOVE Taco Tuesday!

Tina:  Well, you certainly make me envy you and your life - you are so put together and your kids are so easy that you can have people over and chat and cook all day - and have a spotless house.  Unreal.  And your gorgeous long Greek hair - it's so silky and shiny - it must take you hours!  

Me:  Would you believe that my hair is on day 3 of no shower! I barely did anything to it! (brushes off compliment slyly)

Just then my 13 year old yells out, "Mommm, your hair and makeup lady said she left her bag here and will come by later to get it!!"

Me:  (SHIT! Busted...nervously laughing in panic)  Oh, ummm...yeah, I had my hair and make up done the other day because I had some interviews based on a funny parody of the I Quit video - I pretended to be a mom who quit her job.

Tina:  Wait - wasn't that lady's name Brenna from New Hampshire? That wasn't you, was it?

Me: (busted again) - Ohh yeah, it was my friend Brenna but I umm..had drinks with her last week (shows Tina framed pic of me and Brenna at a chic restaurant on the coast that I have framed on my mantle) umm, I meant  that I was there  if she needed me to be on tv with her.  Yeahhh..nooo..I didn't mean that was ME.  Sorry, you are making me so nervous.  Why don't we start on some appetizers, shall we??


Tina:  (biting into mouthwatering, flaky, buttery spanakopita triangles) MMM wow - these  are THE BEST I've ever had - I cannot believe you had time to roll out the fillo dough and stuff these yourself.  It's like they just melt in my mouth. I know how hard those are to make I just don't know how you did it with kids around.  Anyhow -  I have to have a few more of those. (At this point she is moaning and shoving food in her mouth.)  Thish ish like the besht interview ever..thish food ish shpectacular...(food flying everywhere).

Me:  (Laughing with paranoid, nervous giggle.) Oh don't be intimidated by that fillo dough - it's so much easier to work with than people think - really, it's simple.  It's like roll - butter- layer-stuff-layer-butter repeat - and boom, you're done just like that.

Tina:  How do you stay trim with all of this delicious food in the house?  I'd be big as a house!  You must watch what you eat - either that or you exercise constantly.

Me:  Oh gosh - I rarely eat that stuff - I try to eat whole foods, organically grown produce and what not - I don't eat anything processed.  Really, it's how I keep my figure.

Suddenly, again a voice from the back room interrupts us as  my 6 year old asks "Mom when you told us you'd give us $50 if we stayed quiet in our rooms for one hour did you mean you'd pay us todayyy?"

Tina (uncomfortable and brows knit with confusion and suspicion):  Where's your garbage? I just want to throw my empty plate away and then I really should get going. (SPOTS CUPBOARD BY SINK - GOES TO THROW AWAY PAPER PLATE, DISCOVERS EMPTY BOXES FROM FROZEN SPANAKOPITA, TIROPITA, BAKLAVA, AND OTHER GREEK IMPORTED SPECIALTY FOODS).

Me:  (running over to cupboard yelling NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Quickly, I stand feet firmly planted in front of my pantry.)


(credit: http://tinafeygifs.tumblr.com/)
Tina:  Who the HELL do you think you are?  You made me think I was doing it all wrong - that I was crazy - that you were some kind of weird Greek Pinterest Freak or something! (runs to pantry, pushes me out of the way and flings open the door)  ALRIGHT LET'S SEE WHAT OTHER SECRETS YOU'RE HIDING IN THE CLOSET!
(pulls out boxed Bundt cake mix,  Old El Paso boxed Taco Kits,  Yia Yia's Greek Cookies in a Bag with the TJ Maxx sticker still on them, Jars of Commercial Greek Dressings, and then she moved on to the freezer with a frenzy I've never seen. )  AHA!!!  FROZEN BAKALAVA!!!  I KNEW IT!  FROZEN GYROS...YOU HAVE 1/2 OF THE KRONOS FILLO PRODUCT LINE IN HERE! SHAME ON YOU!!!  YOU'RE A BIG FAT HAIRY GREEK FAKER!  (She is yelling in my face and shoving handfuls of baklava into my hair, ruining my beautiful flat iron and straighten job  - I paid $100 for that house call to hide my frizzy, unruly big hair.)  HOW DO YOU LIKE A LITTLE HONEY IN YOUR 3 DAY OLD UNWASHED HAIR, HUH?  WHERE'S YOUR HAIRDRESSER NOW TO SAVE YOU?? OR IS HE HIDING IN A CLOSET SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE TOO?


Me: (choking on hair that's stuck to my lips from the sticky walnut/honey combo):  ALRIGHT!  ALRIGHT ALREADY! I'm busted.  I'm an underachiever, okay.  I'm doing the best I can - and that's just not good enough.  I bribe my kids, use the Wii as a babysitter, buy quick and easy Greek foods and pass them off as homemade, and almost everything I've ever tried to duplicate from Pinterest is one big fat greek FAIL.  I'm exhausted all the time - I run ragged taking care of everyone,  and I barely have enough time to shower so I had someone come and clean the house before you came while I got my hair and makeup done so you didn't see what a big frizzball afro I normally have.  OH and one more thing...I eat nachos by the plateful okay - I eat a stick of butter daily and most of my meals are PROCESSED!  I just exercise to make up for it... ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!???

Tina:  (puts her arm around me)   NOW we can be friends.  YES I am happy now.  Look, we are all just trying to keep it all together and raise good kids while staying sane in a crazy world.  So we cheat sometimes, so what?  So we make homemade Spanakopita once a year for Easter - that's plenty!  So what if we use the tv or the wii as a babysitter while we attempt to have a friend over -who doesn't?  I have people around me to do my hair and makeup all the time and I still can't keep my shit together.  Don't sweat it honey - just as long as you have a good sense of humor and a good heart, that's all that matters.  (glances back at pantry) Hey is that an unopened bottle of Ouzo I see?   How 'bout you pour me a shot of Ouzo  and we sit and have a laugh.  We can share all of our shortcuts and all of our secrets.

Suddenly, my three boys enter the room dressed in Greek Costumes waiving Greek Flags and begin to dance Zorba, ignoring my sign language not to proceed with staged 'impromptu Greek flash mob' to impress Tina.  One of them shoves the other, one of them flips the others costume up to show his underwear, and the other yells 'that's not fair he gets to hold the flag...'   showing their true colors of just being kids.
YOU'RE CHOKING ME...NO I WANT TO HOLD THE FLAG...STOP PULLING MY COSTUME UP...MOOOOM!!!


Tina and I laughed and laughed and we became friends that lived happily ever after, swapping pre-made Greek ready mixes, and links to order pastries on line.

Until next time...



Hey - wait - we're not done yet - - who would you want to have over for a chat, and how do you think that would work out for you?   I'd love to hear your angle.
Cheers, Love and Tina,
~DG
The Queen of Kronos

Please check out these hilarious run ins with celebrity crushes and idols:
Johnny Depp, by You Know it Happens at Your House, Too 
Mindy Kaling by The Mom of the Year
Daniel Craig by Frugalista Blog








12 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Ha! Come on over - I'll make you some homemade..errrrr boxed, pre-made greek appetizers! xo

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    2. Right? I'm starving now!

      Love this! And Tina! And you!

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    3. Come on over - but don't forget to bring Jimmy Fallon with you! xo

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  2. You are so good. I could just see you and hear your voice as I read this and then I became jealous that Tina was there with you instead of me. I'm off to find a snack and a tissue to dry my eyes. Love you. Love your talent. Love your face. xoxo

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    Replies
    1. For you, I would roll out the damn fillo and serve you homemade triangles dammit. Love you!

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  3. You are the queen of relatable fabulousness all of the time. (And I am the queen of made up words.) Nuke me some appetizers too! I'm starving! Thanks for sharing. Mwah! Ellen

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    Replies
    1. Noooo not microwaved reheated sloppy seconds...you deserve better! I'll handmake yours too!!! lol!! xo

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  4. Shoot I tried to comment from my phone. Not sure how it went. But love this post and you! Can I have some nuked appetizers too? I'm starving. Psst- Thanks for sharing. Mwah! Ellen

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  5. YOU ARE SO FUNNY! As in, so funny I can't form a more intelligent comment, but really want to be your BFF. Please say there is an opening??

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    Replies
    1. Bring snacks, I've got the Ouzo - and yes, we are on BFF avenue! xo

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