Sunday

Are You A-BRA-SIVE?



Confession.

I've been abusive to something that has supported me through all of the UPS and DOWNS in my 40 years.

Something that has been there to lift me up even during the toughest days.

Something that I've kept close to my heart, yet couldn't wait to get rid of after a long day of really working hard for me and just being there for me.

Something I've accused of being irritating and annoying, leaving marks and imprints on me because I failed to do my part.

Something that's left marks on my pocketbook out of vanity and necessity combined.

I am guilty.

I am a bra-abuser.

Somewhere between Health Class and Home Economics, I missed the Seminar entitled, How to Take Care of your Bra, so your Bra Can Take Care of You.

One of the highlights of my recent trip home to visit my family in Ohio was an excursion to the sacred department store, Dillard's.  I say sacred because we don't have one up here in New Hampshire, and when living in Ohio, Dillard's was the answer to almost everything.  New outfit? Dillard's.  Great fitting bathing suit? Dillard's.  Wedding/Shower/Birthday/Mother's Day/Father's Day gifts - Dillard's. Dillard's. Dillard's. 

As I bought my way through the first floor, I ventured upstairs to find an oasis to the misfitted bra Bedouin that is me.  An entire rounder of CLEARANCE D-cup bras.  Hark!  I hear angels and harps.  I am pretty sure I ran - no, I might have skipped like a school girl - over to the rounder with the anticipation of Christmas morning - like surprises.  I should clarify something.  When you are a 32DD and have had 3 kids use your 'girls' as drinking fountains, they become something of a needy built-in accessory that needs dolled up and lifted to stay where they need to stay and mind their own beeswax.  If you think a sturdy, pretty, well-built bra in a 32 DD is easy to find - you are mistaken.  Most of my bras come from special detailed web searches, and cost an arm and a boob...I mean leg.  Anyhow - back to my bra bliss.

I start scouring the depths of the bins, practically scuba diving in bras for anything that might be a potential suitor.  And I find one.  Beautiful color, straps look worthy, cups looking like little soldiers that are up for the job of serving, supporting and protecting the girls even in their darkest hours.  Then I find another. Another. Another. Another.  I just hit the ever-lovin' jackpot and had a 1/2 dozen slung over my arm in a rainbow of colors.  Sheer bliss.

I headed to the dressing room just to try a few of them on since most of them were the same bra in different colors.  (Just as an FYI, the most spectacular bra I found was called Modern Movement - a brand unique to Dillard's - so if you are looking for a new BFF in supportive bras - check this out http://www.dillards.com/product/Modern-Movement-M.V.P.-Deep-Plunge-Bra_301_-1_301_503781518?df=03871774_zi_black)
It fit like nothing I've ever worn before - it was gorgeous and sleek and looked amazing under my tshirt.

I couldn't believe they were on sale, and gladly plopped the pile down at the checkout counter.  The sales girl, though lovely and professional, took one look at me and must have known I was a Bra Abuser.

Do you know about Caring for Your Bra?

I looked around, behind me too, just to see if she was in fact speaking to me.

Sorry? I asked - briefly shaken from my euphoria.

Do you know how to care for your new bras? she politely asked me again.

Ummm...not sure what you mean? You mean what detergent do I use?

She gave me a sympathetic 'mmmm' as if to give herself kudos in detecting a Bra Abuser.

There are things you need to do to prolong the life of your bras.  I have a checklist that I will go over with you when I finish ringing this in.

As she began ringing in each bra, my mind drifted to how I care for my bras.



1.  Take off in haste at end of long day.  Throw across room.  Aim for chair, miss, land on floor.  Ignore.

2.  Every few days, toss into washing machine...usually with un-like colors, most of time with soiled boys' clothing.

3.  Yank out of dryer, pulling hard because usually it is caught on something, shove into dryer with force.

4.  Dump dried clothes onto bed to quickly fold and stuff into drawers.  Take bras, fold cup in to other cup and jam into overflowing lingerie drawer.

5.  Buy more bras. Rinse. Repeat.

I am done with my daydream just in time to notice her carefully placing tissue paper between each bra that is placed cups up on the counter like delicate tea cups in the bridal registry department. 

This is no joke.  She is serious.  And she doesn't tolerate Bra Abusers and Tom Foolery that I am so very responsible for.

Okay now let's go over some basic do's and don'ts of Bra Care.

And suddenly, I am 11 again getting my first bra.

DO WASH IT IN SPECIAL DETERGENT  (Inner voice - 'na-ganna-happen')  
~I smile and nod.  Mmmmm-hmmmm.
DO TRY TO HAND WASH TO REALLY PROTECT THE CUP FROM LOSING IT'S SHAPE.
(Inner voice - 'again, na-ganna-happen...and my boobs can't possibly lose their shape any more than a bra could, so yeah, no.  If something needs hand washed, it's never going to get washed in my house.)
DO CLASP THE BRA HOOKS BEFORE WASHING THEM TO PREVENT TWISTING. (Inner voice - nope...no inner voice, at this part I just giggled like a little girl as I nodded and humored her.)
DO HANG DRY YOUR BRAS BY THE MIDDLE OF THE BRA BETWEEN THE CUPS. (Inner voice - I do not hang anything to dry except my towels when I'm done using them!!)
DO GIVE THEM THEIR OWN LARGE DRAWER SO YOU CAN LAY THEM FLAT TO PREVENT INDENTING THE CUP. (Inner voice - translation - 'do continue to shove them in the drawer since you have no room for any more bras in your bureau.)
FINALLY, GIVE YOUR BRA A DAY OFF (24 HOURS) TO PREVENT OVERUSE AND WEAR.  ROTATE BRAS EVERY DAY.  (Inner voice - WHAAAAT A PAIN IN THE UNDERGARMENT!  MY BRA GETS A DAY OFF AND I DON'T??? Is it really that tiresome to hold my girls up all day? I've been doing it for years and haven't had a full 24 hours off!)

If I'm being honest.  I felt ashamed as she handed me my bag of beauties, knowing I was unworthy of the trust she put in me to take care of these bras.  I knew I wouldn't live up to the expectations of being a responsible bra-owner.  I knew that it was a one-sided relationship and that I would merely use them and abuse them...I would love them and then leave them on a Goodwill curbside drop off when I was done with them.  I would expect them to (not) move mountains and provide countless hours of support, just so I could curse them and count the hours until I could unhook them from my tired ribcage.



Bra indentations.  All my life.  AND YES, I'M WEARING THE RIGHT BRA!  It takes a damn village to keep my girls in place, okay? (source: tumblr)

I'm too old to teach new tricks.  I can't lie.  I'm trying to be more mindful of my bras.  I'm at least aiming better when I fling them across the room. I've stopped yelling immaturely, "she shoots, she scores" while throwing my bra into the dirty clothes basket.  And now, instead of shoving them into the washing machine mindlessly, I envision the Dillard's Bra fitter in my head with her stern look of disapproval as I use my foot to kick it into the overstuffed washing machine.  If I see a rogue strap hanging out of my drawer, I walk over and put it back in where it belongs - I'm not completely heartless you know. I'm a work in progress.  Baby steps to better bra care.

That's all for today...I've got to go.  Victoria's Secret has a few bras left from their Semi-Annual sale and I need to get a few back ups. 

What? 

Cheers, Love and Perfectly Molded Bra Cups to you,
~DG

(Post note:  The Dillard's girl was kind enough to give me a 'howtocareforyourbra' flyer but I threw it out when I got home right after ripping the tags off of my bras with my teeth...so the above account of how to care for your bra is not an accurate representation of Dillard's suggestions...)  Go figure.   :)

Tuesday

If This Were School, I'd Have a Detention By Now...



One of my favorite tag lines in my bio is I'm a 50%-er giving 75%.  It's silly, self-deprecating, totally embellished, and pretty much the opposite of who I am.  The ironic thing is that I am a 125%-er in everything I attempt, but end up struggling to get there every step of the way.  More irony - the title Underachiever.  Those who know me, know I go above and beyond, and that I'm constantly jogging, though out of breath and near exhaustion, on the Extra Mile.  As Bill Murray says in What About Bob - - I'm doin the work! I'm not a slacker!

Here's the BIG problem.

I'm not giving 100% to anything

When you spread yourself too thin, nothing really gets done to the fullest potential.  When you are burning the candle at both ends, the flame is going to go out eventually, and someone is going to get burned.  That someone is me.

I've been struggling since I've gone back to work.  Don't get me wrong.  It was my idea to go back - and I love it, I truly do love it, but things are suffering.  Housekeeping, hobbies, little things here and there are not getting the attention they once did, and that bothers me more than I can articulate.  Maybe things aren't suffering.  It's me that's suffering.  My psyche.  My desire to please others.  My need to be all things to all people.  This is the curse of being a pleaser.  Guilt and the need for admiration and pats on the back from others end up being a heavy burden to carry through the day.  It's hard to un-do that kind of personality, the only thing you can do is be okay with what you do accomplish and focus on the good stuff. 

As kids, we're taught to aim high - go for the A - or as my Dad always preached "the difference between an A and a B is just a little more effort." Always doing the right thing and putting a little extra elbow grease into it - a little more effort than the average makes you above average.  Feeling like I'm not giving 100% to anything because I'm too busy trying to balance it all has been hard for me.  I've been going in 5th gear for so long, never stopping, because you know once you slow down or stop, all of the momentum you gained comes crashing into you and you fall on your ass from exhaustion.

We look at this celebrity or that public figure or that woman of power or CEO or whoever it may be and think I don't know how she does it...or there's someone who's doing it all!   I don't know if I necessarily believe that - I just think women are really good actors.  The really successful ones have a nanny and a chef and a maid and are probably still falling apart behind the scenes!  So many of us give a convincing show of having it all under control when really we are all just holding it together with caffeine, humor and some Hail Marys here and there.  Our best work is done in the 11th hour.  We wing it much of the time - sometimes we pass with flying colors and occasionally we fail - hopefully not miserably, but it can happen...and it will happen.

How do we prioritize?  It's a constantly-shifting method of juggling and multi-tasking.  Sometimes you have a sick child that needs high-priority.  If you're lucky, you have an understanding boss at work that will tell you to take care of them, stay home, do your thing.  If you're not so lucky, you know that your boss is rolling his eyes and hoping this isn't going to be a 'habit' or a problem with hiring a mother.  It can be so unfair sometimes - trying to be all things to all people.   Unfair and pretty much impossible.  We are pulled in so many directions, and expected to be the chameleon that quickly changes colors to adapt to the demanding needs of life with children and jobs and husbands and families.  If I had a dollar for every time someone during the day, whether it be a friend, family member, neighbor, etc said "I'm just doing the best I can..."  I would be a billionaire.  When is our best ever going to be good enough?


(pinterest.com)

I was grading my performance in my head last night and here's what I came up with:

Kids:
Loved, fed, clothed, bathed, entertained, encouraged, etc. - A
Can get them out the door without using bribery, force curse words under breath, raising voice, etc. - C
Negotiation tactics - B
Developmental milestones met - A
overall performance summary - The kids are loved, healthy, happy and only have the most basic gripes of most children.  Grade - B

Household/Domestic Duties
The cycle of laundry continues on a somewhat regular mode - clean clothes are available.  B
Clothing is removed from dryer in a timely manner.  D
Clothing is pressed and ready to be worn.  D
Cupboards and fridge are stocked with healthy choices and fresh foods.  B-
Shopping is done efficiently, regularly, and with budget in mind.  C
Shopping list is brought to grocery store to ensure list is fulfilled.  F
House is tidy.  B
Dyson canister is Lego-free.  C-
overall performance summary - The house remains somewhat tidy, clean clothes are available albeit slightly wrinkled, food is available, toys are accessible, Legos sets are incomplete.  Though HGTV will not be by anytime soon for a tour and feature on their channel, the Health Inspector won't be condemning the house either.  Grade - C-

Work
Arrives on time - B
Stays on task - B
Entertains other coworkers - A+
Distracts easily - What was the question again?  Oh.  Yes.  C-
Gives 100% - C
Competes work in timely manner - A-
Work completed outweighs dicking around time - B-
overall performance summary - Arrives on time for the most part with a cheery disposition.  Pays close attention to making other coworkers laugh, organizing office birthday parties, food and other distracting office events.  When actually working, completes tasks in a somewhat-timely manner yet still has time to give to other non-work related ventures.  Grade - B-

Friendships
Birthdays are remembered.   A+
Ability to take a compliment.  F 
Time allotted to spend with girlfriends. C-
Time spent on phone. C
Returned emails. B
overall performance summary - Friendships remain in tact for sanity retention purposes.  The inability to carry on a conversation due to children interrupting with five alarm fires every time you are on the phone is a problem.  Time spent with girlfriends needs some improvement.  Taking a compliment is problematic.  Answering a compliment with an insult like "Are you blind or need a new prescription for your glasses?"  is not acceptable. Grade - C-

Hobbies/Extra-curricular activites
Blogs often - F
Creates funny memes and ecards for FB page - D
Gives quality time blocks to nurturing hobbies - D
Has focus, direction and dedication to hobbies - D
overall performance summary - This area is in danger of extinction.  More time and effort must be given to keep hobby in tact.  Purchase tickets to BlogHer 2013 to be surrounded by other more successful, brilliant bloggers to light a fire under your ass.  You are failing.  Nice job, dummy.  Grade - Big Fat F...and if there was a such thing as an F- you would have received it.


Looking at this report card I realize that if I were in school, I'd be sitting outside the Principal's office waiting for a come to Jesus with him.  If this were college, I'd probably be hungover, sleeping in last night's clothes on my dorm room floor while drooling and snoring.  Alas...this is real life...and though I can still laugh about it and make fun of my need to overachieve, the truth is simply - I cannot be all things to all people, a perfectionist, an overachiever, and a rational, kind, contributing member of society.  That is an impossible feat and one that I am understanding is just plain old silly.  I know that many of you reading this feel the same way no matter what stage of understanding you are going through.  Being a woman is hard - being a mother is hard - being a decent human being at this point can be difficult, too.  Are we all doing 'the best we can?' or has that just become an easy one liner to throw out to people when really we've checked out of the game because we can't keep up? 

Lucky for me, at this point in my life, I have no teachers or Deans of students to grade my performance.  Instead, I have my boys, who although they are incredibly generous in their weird compliments (Mommy you are the best cooker, Mommmy I like your red, crackly eyes today, Mommy your fluffy legs are so soft, Mommy your hair looks nice with the white hairs in it!), won't hesitate to let me know of what I'm doing wrong.  (Moooommmm..you forgot to put a juice box in my lunch!  Mommy you forgot this, you forgot that...you didn't do this, you didn't do that!)  The nice thing is, they are quick to forgive and allow me to retake this test of Motherhood as often as I need to, and for every A they give me more love than I thought imaginable.  If only I could be that forgiving to myself.   I'm a work in progress - I'm a Master's project waiting to be done, a doctorate degree in the works.  All in good time.

Until next time, and who knows just when that will be...keep up the good work!
Cheers and love...green lights and blue skies,
~DG